Forgiveness...

Forgiveness, seems like such an unattainable goal sometimes. I think we often get it wrong because we think forgiveness is something that is asked for, then granted, in that order. I am starting to understand that forgiveness is not so much for the other person as it is for us. It is so hard to forgive when we have been wronged and it is so easy to despise and began the churning of anger and hate in the deepest part of our soul. I believe with all of my heart that disease is conceived in the this batter. Cancer, ulcers, depression, etc... are all nurtured and fed in these environments.

I am the last person to really give advice on this subject, but on the other hand maybe the best. I know what it feels like to be wronged and have good reason to withhold forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive for myself though. I have to forgive it so that I can be done with it. I am in NO WAY there, but maybe recognizing is half the battle.

My boyfriend Scott is the most forgiving person I have ever met. He claims he has not always been that way, but I am always amazed at how he does it. He forgives me at the drop of a hat and I am a repeat offender. I have watched him forgive mean hurtful things done to him by hateful people. I love him for his big heart, but am in no way close to being as generous with forgiveness as he is. It's an uphill battle that I seem to be losing everyday. Releasing that trailer of grudge from my hitch would feel so good, but I seem to continue to add to it.

I would rather release the people from my life.

It's As Simple As Riding A Bike...

I recently purchased a couple of beach cruiser bikes from a local pawn shop here in Tampa with hopes to make exercising a little more enjoyable, with a casual bike ride down a trail or board walk. I found so much more than that. I found a sense of peace, tranquillity, and a way to organize my thoughts as I pedal along with the wind in my hair.

It would be my guess that the average person worries more about what others are doing and saying then taking care of their own short comings.

As I began to pedal I was having a hard time with balance, my legs felt a little weak, and I found myself fretting over a catastrophe... "what if I totally bite it?" It was becoming an added stress that I in NO WAY needed at this time in my life. My boyfriend on the other hand was riding around like a 13 year old kid jumping side walks and pot holes like a stunt man in a Mission Impossible movie. The more we rode the more comfortable I became. I started becoming daring by doing challenging things like taking one hand off the handle bar to scratch my nose and glancing up occasionally to view the sights as we pedaled by. Real Evel Knievel like...

I was starting to have fun!!! I was mastering the art of riding a bike all over again. It felt as good as it did when I was a kid. We had taken the bikes over to the beach and I probably could have ridden the coast of Florida in one night.

Life is so much like getting back on a bicycle after years and years of not riding like you did as a kid. Balance, weak legs, fear of trouble in the future, not sure of your own capabilities. I still had it though and I still have this as well. We face many barriers in life and it's all how we tackle them. If we turn around, we will never move forward, but if we find away around them, we move on without looking back. They are no longer a fret for us. We pedal on through life with the warm breeze gently cheering us on to better scenery.

We(and by we I mean I)just have to remember to occasionally look around so that I see everything I'm supposed to see, not missing out on moments due to clutter in my mind about things that in no way are moving me forward. Aaaaahhhhh now the sigh of release...

For The Love Of Maggie...

I read a speech entitled "The Love Of A Dog" by George Graham Vest. Vest was Senator for Missouri in the late 1800's to early 1900's and was one of the great orators of his time. He gave this speech when he was practicing law, while representing a man in court who was suing another man for killing his dog.

As I was reading the speech, I couldn't help but think of my own precious little companion Maggie B. Vest says, "The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog." I once heard a preacher give this illustration in reference to the difference in mind sets of cats and dogs. A cat thinks...Hmmmm this human feeds me, pets me, cares for me??? I must be GOD. A dog thinks...Hmmmm this human feeds me, pets me, cares for me??? THEY must be GOD. So true.

Vest goes on to say " He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wings, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in it's journey through the heavens." In my opinion, it isn't humanly possible to give that kind of unconditional love, but it's very humbling to receive it from our little fury friends. I am so thankful for my sweet little girl Maggie and I am constantly reminded that although there is so much hate, jealousy and vindictiveness in this world, there is admiration, loyalty and love to balance us and keep our hearts from becoming calloused.

July 1986 Marshall, Ohio...

Today I was thinking about the power of our thoughts. A thought can alter a mood so quickly in a positive or negative way. A thought can be truth or a lie. It can be a memory or a fantasy. Our minds hold all the power over us and we are too often a slave to what monopolizes them. I have no earthly idea how to take back control.

The phrase "Happy Place..." comes to mind when referring to thoughts. Is it possible to really mentally go to a happy place when all Hell is breaking loose around you? I have never been able to do it, but I'm sure there is someone out there that can.

If I were going to create a happy place in my mind, I think I would take myself back to my childhood around the age of six. So...mid July 1986, hot summer day, eating a cherry Popsicle, sitting in front of a window air conditioning unit with my cousins Meredith and Peter, fighting over air, trying to cool off. Strange I remember such a moment, but at my lowest of lows, I wish I were there. "It's the simple things in life, like when and where..."

My first memories start in Marshall, Ohio. Was born in Kentucky, but moved to Ohio when I was two. I remember playing outside, roller skating in the basement, and the day my baby brother came home from the hospital. All solid normal memories, but very vague. Why would an air conditioning unit, a cherry Popsicle, and my cousins imprint on my mind like that? Recently I have found myself needing a mental safe haven. I am in no way a control freak, but find it very frustrating when every thing's out of control.

I have little to say on this tonight...choosing to be happy and giving all I have to give until my giving is no longer accepted is all I can control. Wish me luck in this "Happy Place' endeavor. May I need to visit it very seldom, but when I do may the cherry Popsicle taste as sweet today and may the cool air be as refreshing as it was in July 1986...

If It's The Beaches...

I try my best not to write when I'm feeling overly emotional, but for some reason tonight I am comforted by the clicking sound the keys make as I release all that's shut up inside of me like a water dam.

Out of all the thoughts I have sorted and attempted to file away tonight, one haunts me more than the rest. It can be summed up in one word. Fight. Fight for yourself, fight for a cause, fight for someone. Too often do we float instead of fight.

Never been white water rafting and never had any desire to do so. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of how it's been described to me though. A group of people paddling against crashing rapids, each responsible for the person in front of them. I may be mistaken, but I believe you are responsible for holding onto or grabbing the assigned person if things get too bumpy. The entire experience is a fight. A fight to paddle, and a fight to hold on.

Sometimes people lose their fight when they feel like they are the only one fighting. This is when the floating process comes in to play. My floating analogy can best be compared to the 'Lazy River,' which is an actual "ride" at The Beach Water Park in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is by far the most boring thing you can do while at the water park. Why would anyone want to float in a circle around the park all day when you could be plunging down pipes, picking wedgies out of your brain??

My point is, once you have lost your fight you begin to float. You are responsible for no one but your lazy self and you sure don't have to worry about the people you are floating with because they have about as much fight in them as you do. They are content to let their butts float along and drag the bottom of the waiting pool and as the old adage goes...misery loves company.

The rapids are scary and holding onto someone else can be even more frightening. There's a chance you might even lose them. It beats the hell out of floating though. Life is not meant to be repeated year after year with the same routines and patterns. It's not meant to be manipulated and it's not something you float through. You paddle, you grit your teeth and you reach for that person that is counting on you. Floaters and rafters will never be able to do life together. Settlers and dreamers will never be able to do life together.

It is the beaches I want and I had to get off the lazy river to get there. When you find your life floating in a continuous, same scenery kind of circle, the important thing to remember is...the intertubes are not connected and there are always exits. Grab a paddle and hold on...

Drawing Lines In The Sand Just To Cross Them...

So often we become the ultimate rule followers, not allowing ourselves to be the free spirits we were meant to be. We fear that we will disappoint, let down, and shame our friends and loved ones when our biggest fear really should be looking in the mirror and being unrecognizable in our own eyes. Once you begin to replace your hopes with regrets, you have "traded your hero's for ghost."

Passion is defined as "Ardent Love". Ardent means to be eager, so passion is being eager to "love"?? If I may, I would like to redefine the word passion, leaving "love" out of it. Passion is an overwhelming, intense emotion that you physically feel in the deepest part of your soul to be a part of something whether that may be an activity, a cause , or a relationship. It cannot be controlled and no one should attempt to do so. It is something that is easily lost and can quickly be aroused, but more importantly...it is what savers our youth. I have met 16 year old kids that live like they are 80 and I have a 96 year old Aunt that rides the wave of life like a 21 year old wild eyed girl.

We draw lines in the sand because we know we are capable of crossing them otherwise we wouldn't need them. In my opinion, we are all standing on the line wondering, waiting, wasting time, waging the war within on whether or not we step over the line we have drawn in the sand to restrict ourselves from...WHAT??? Living??

We don't have to be the person that other people think we should be. We do have to be the person we were created to be. I believe the secret to a happy life is not finding the perfect career, or being overly wealthy, or getting married and having 2.5 kids and a dog named Buster. I believe it is knowing one's self. We get so caught up in the world that we miss out on getting to know and understand what we are all about. You don't have to travel to Tibet and live with monks to figure this out. You just need to start crossing those lines that you have always had the urge to do so.

There's my 3 cents for the day.

I Just Want To Use Your Love...

For some reason, every time I get in my car I hear the song "Your Love" by The Outfield. I love the song, always have. Takes me back to my video game playing Grand Theft Auto days haha Anywho, I started to really listen to the lyrics and at first I was like, geesh, what a jerk!! Then as I listened I thought, an honest person. Not something you can come by easily in this life. Harry Truman once said, "They call me give 'em hell Harry. All I do is tell them the truth and they say it's giving 'em hell." Have always loved that statement. How true Harry...we can't handle the truth.

There is just something refreshing about BRUTAL honesty upfront. Not...I know I'm gonna get caught honesty or it's about time to be honest honesty. Someone who will look you in the eye and give it to you straight in the first few moments of your getting acquainted period. It's risky, but what a thrill. It can be so refreshing to walk away and not have to play the analyze that game. It doesn't always feel good, but I promise you, that you will respect that person.

It is true what they say about good eye contact. I love to look people in the eyes. If I look away it means I am uncomfortable with the subject or the person. Body language is also a dead give-a-way. The lean says it all, did they lean in or away? I am not talking about romance here. I am talking about understanding people. Not everyone is going to look at you and say..."quit touching me, and back up!" Stop the insanity!! haha Give people their space and know how to recognize when they really, truly want you in it. This is true in life, love and the elevator. ;)

Don't make promises, plans, pottery or anything else that can be broken.

Okay...my thoughts for the night, take them, leave them, lean in or away. I just want to USE your love tonight...it's that simple.