$1 To Get Me Over The Bridge...

For some time now, I have been in a constant struggle with God. I have been questioning his involvement in my life, the significance of my own life and just the overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to shake. I was reading the children's version of the story of Gideon the other night before bed and I found my self relating, which was something I hadn't done for quite sometime in regards to my faith.

As I read the story of Gideon in Judges 6, I began to feel something within, something awaken that had been asleep for some time. I was a Gideon. The words of Gideon could have been my own.

Judges 6:13
Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are not all His miracles which our fathers told us about..."

Then in true "human" fashion, Gideon needs a sign. He needs to know that God means business. He was tired of the disappointment and he needed to know that God was truly with him. I have often found myself asking God for the wet wool, dry ground recently. I need a sign to know that he has not given up on me, that there is still a master plan for my life.

Last night I headed south to do a little Christmas shopping. I found myself coming up on a toll and I was in a solid panic to scrape together four quarters out of my ashtray. Luckily I had just that. I never carry cash because I just prefer to swipe the old check card. I made a mental note to go to an ATM as soon as I got to the mall to avoid this disaster on the way home. I arrived at the mall and began frantically shopping, moving from store to store. As I was walking, I came upon what appeared to be $1 bill on the ground. I thought...could it be? Yes, it was. I looked around and there was no one who could've dropped it so I picked it up and in my coat pocket it went. I had a little extra pep because I have the worst luck in the world and stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I finished my shopping and headed to the car.

I was on the road again, heading back to Tampa when...I saw the toll sign. Oh #@*!...I had forgotten to get money at the ATM. Suddenly I remembered my "once in a lifetime lucky moment" and I reached in my coat pocket and there it was. I handed over the $1 to the toll booth worker and I was on my way. All I could think was, maybe God just wanted me to know that he was still looking out for me. He provided the $1 to get me over the bridge. It wasn't a $50 dollar bill or a $20 or even a $10 or $5. It was all I needed to get me home.

I would like to believe that God is still working in my life and even though I have had more doors slammed in my face than a door to door Bible salesman, He still has something in mind for me and He's just keeping me from screwing it up.

Judges 6 15-16
He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." But the Lord said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."

Surely I will be with you...whether it's for something great or, if only to provide you with $1 for your toll to get you home.

This Is How I See You...

When I first heard this song about 4 years ago, It made me feel a little sad, longing for days gone by. For some reason it made me think about when I was little, living out in the country, playing in the snow with my little brother. So innocent and so happy. Worry free, with things I could still believe in. When I listen to this song today, I am overwhelmed with sadness, wondering what happened to that little girl. Where did she go? I miss her more than I miss anyone I have ever lost in my life.

I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.

This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...

And the road to life goes up and down...

For starters, I want everyone to know that I am completely aware of what this song is about. I still feel it has some significant lyrics, at least in reference to my life and I like to roll down the windows in the car, turn it up and pretend like I am gonna drive back home to the hills and quiet.

It's been a while since I got on here and spit out thoughts, I had a few minutes so I felt like organizing the madness that goes on in my mind on a daily basis. Recently I have met some very interesting people. Some I don't care to ever meet again and some I would like to stay for a while. Casting all fears to the back burner, I have let people into my life and tried new things that I normally would not. It has been a life changing experience and I am glad I was able to get my nerve or stupidity up to do so.

With my struggle to contain my constant anxiety about everyday occurrences,I often find myself not breathing. Today, I took a deep breath and smiled back at myself in the rear view mirror. There she was...the girl that still knows how to kick ass. I tend to lose her at times, but she always finds her way home. I can be a handful and very hard to hold, but I have learned to move forward and keep the past in the past. I can appreciate meeting people that can do the same. When I allow myself to be linked to a past that obviously was not my future, I throw everything good in my life off. It's hard not to return to what we know. I find the thrill in walking into the unknown.

I read a quote today that said "Our brightest blazes are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." --Samuel Johnson

So many times we miss the spark because we are too focused on something that is uneventful and meaningless in our lives. The people that are willing to let it all go for the blaze are the people worth living life with.

Life and love are a heavy, heavy load.

Ready For Love??

I heard this song earlier today and thought...I dig it. I guess we always think we're ready for love, especially when we are single and "searching." I actually felt indifferent about..."love" after listening to this song. In this society and these times, love has a new definition. It's very short term. Instead of "I love you," I feel we should start saying "I want to be obsessed with you until I'm not anymore." I meet men pretty regularly and they are all looking for a woman that they have created in their minds. Good luck fellas! Then there are the women who are looking for a man that could star in an animated Disney princess movie.

I no longer live in this haze. I am a clear thinker and as an observer in the nightlife as a single gal...wow!! Very entertaining. No one is ready for "Love." We are ADHD daters. We lose interest in each other quicker than hyper colored t-shirts from the 80's came and went. I loved those by the way. The 40's and the 50's would be ashamed of our behavior. Sit still people, give each other a chance. First impressions are not the end all.

I don't say this as a bitter single woman, I say this as someone who notices how mentally unhealthy we are. I have let go of all expectations in regards to dating. I actually meet someone and embrace them if we have a good time together. When it's over and chances are it will be rather quickly, it's over. It's a square dance. The only difference for me is, I refuse to dance with the same partner twice. I love history, but I won't live it.

Just some random thoughts provoked by a Bad Company song.

"Now I'm on my feet again, better things are bound to happen. All my dues surely must be paid. Many miles and many tears, times were high, but now they're changing. You should know that I'm not afraid."

Better As A Memory...

Getting older is both bitter and sweet. Recently I have been learning life lessons. I'm sure they were always there for the taking, but just now at this point in my life do they apply or even make sense. It's a bitter feeling to know that everyday is one day closer to death, but so sweet to be able to look in the mirror and start to recognize the person looking back at you.

Sometimes I think the memory of a situation is so much better then the way it actually was. History often repeats itself, but relationships were not meant to. The phrase..."that ship's sailed" comes to mind. I have accepted that I am probably better as a memory as well.

You hear the phrase, "Live, Laugh, Love." I have decided to go a little more detailed with it, and make a few changes...Laugh like a child, Love like it's your first, and Pray like a sinner. I love to hear kids giggle and laugh uncontrollably. You will never be as trusting and true then as you were with your first love. To pray like a sinner, is holding nothing back from God. I often hear people pray and they sound so rehearsed and flowery. A true sinner hits the ground on their knees, and does not try to pull one over on God, but recognizes that they will sin again before the sun sets.

"I never stay, but then again I might..."

Think Of Me What You Will, I've Got A Little Space To Fill...

We have all heard and probably practiced the phrase 'wanting what we cannot have' or 'wanting to do wrong because it feels so right.' A hard thing to program yourself to do is learn to love what's best for you. It's human nature to be drawn to the bad boys of life and I mean that comparatively although, I truly usually am. Scratch that...I'm usually drawn to the mentally insane boys. I think "boys" is the key word there.

This is about a broader range of life issues though, but relationships do manipulate this subject for me. The question is, how does one control this? How do I love what's good for me? The only solution I have come up with is this...You must be appreciative of the good. The only way to get to this point unfortunately is to be all too familiar with the bad. When you reach "the end of your rope," you DON'T tie a knot and hang on, you cut that rotten rope loose and move on. You then learn to recognize good things, good energy, good days, and good nights.

There are three kinds of relationships we can form with one another. 1.) Needful relationships, meaning those that we need in our life like family, co-workers, neighbors etc... 2.) Healthy relationships, such as friends, significant others, and pets. 3.) Toxic relationships, which as far as I'm concerned would be right up there with the Grim Reaper. These relationships rob us of LIFE. They are dark and empty and that's exactly how they leave us feeling. We have to learn to amputate them from our lives. This is very hard to do because it takes age and experience to see them coming.

These are all just meaningless thoughts and I was inspired by this thought by Tom Petty today. ha ha No, I was not rolling joints, but the song is right on the money. "You don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels...to be me." It's time we become mentally healthy individuals...by we I mean me. "People come, people go, some grow young, some grow old." I agree with Tom, time to grow young.

Someday...

I am having one of those nostalgic days where I wish I were about 7 years old walking in the field with my grandpa (a.k.a Poppy) early in the morning going to get the cows and bring them in. Why can't we understand in that moment, that it's the only moment? There will not be others.

"Moonlight" Graham said it best in Field of Dreams... "You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day."

I can still smell the hay and the dewy grass. I can hear the cows off in the distance and I can see my grandfather walking upright and strong, carrying a big walking stick in all of his glory. We spot the cattle and Poppy gives Crystal (my grandfathers trusty border collie)the order to herd em' up. Off she goes with all of her might. So anxious to please her master. She barks and chases with no fear of these creatures that are so much bigger than her. When she has finished, she returns to my grandfather with a the look of loyalty, searching for some sign of approval.

Onward, back to the house. As we get closer we can make out a figure standing at the fence patiently awaiting our return. What did she ponder in those moments as she would often wait for my grandfather to return? If I had to guess, I would say she prayed. Probably for her family and friends. She probably asked God for forgiveness for things we would consider to be petty. I believe on the days her grandchildren were visiting, she anticipated all of the precious time she would get to spend with us and wished whole heartily that we all lived closer.

Today I ponder her memory and I whole heartily wish she lived closer.

I just have not been able to write a blog this month that didn't refer to her, because she has been on my heart even more than usual. Please God, never let me forget the sound of her voice.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.