Today I was thinking about the power of our thoughts. A thought can alter a mood so quickly in a positive or negative way. A thought can be truth or a lie. It can be a memory or a fantasy. Our minds hold all the power over us and we are too often a slave to what monopolizes them. I have no earthly idea how to take back control.
The phrase "Happy Place..." comes to mind when referring to thoughts. Is it possible to really mentally go to a happy place when all Hell is breaking loose around you? I have never been able to do it, but I'm sure there is someone out there that can.
If I were going to create a happy place in my mind, I think I would take myself back to my childhood around the age of six. So...mid July 1986, hot summer day, eating a cherry Popsicle, sitting in front of a window air conditioning unit with my cousins Meredith and Peter, fighting over air, trying to cool off. Strange I remember such a moment, but at my lowest of lows, I wish I were there. "It's the simple things in life, like when and where..."
My first memories start in Marshall, Ohio. Was born in Kentucky, but moved to Ohio when I was two. I remember playing outside, roller skating in the basement, and the day my baby brother came home from the hospital. All solid normal memories, but very vague. Why would an air conditioning unit, a cherry Popsicle, and my cousins imprint on my mind like that? Recently I have found myself needing a mental safe haven. I am in no way a control freak, but find it very frustrating when every thing's out of control.
I have little to say on this tonight...choosing to be happy and giving all I have to give until my giving is no longer accepted is all I can control. Wish me luck in this "Happy Place' endeavor. May I need to visit it very seldom, but when I do may the cherry Popsicle taste as sweet today and may the cool air be as refreshing as it was in July 1986...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
If It's The Beaches...
I try my best not to write when I'm feeling overly emotional, but for some reason tonight I am comforted by the clicking sound the keys make as I release all that's shut up inside of me like a water dam.
Out of all the thoughts I have sorted and attempted to file away tonight, one haunts me more than the rest. It can be summed up in one word. Fight. Fight for yourself, fight for a cause, fight for someone. Too often do we float instead of fight.
Never been white water rafting and never had any desire to do so. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of how it's been described to me though. A group of people paddling against crashing rapids, each responsible for the person in front of them. I may be mistaken, but I believe you are responsible for holding onto or grabbing the assigned person if things get too bumpy. The entire experience is a fight. A fight to paddle, and a fight to hold on.
Sometimes people lose their fight when they feel like they are the only one fighting. This is when the floating process comes in to play. My floating analogy can best be compared to the 'Lazy River,' which is an actual "ride" at The Beach Water Park in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is by far the most boring thing you can do while at the water park. Why would anyone want to float in a circle around the park all day when you could be plunging down pipes, picking wedgies out of your brain??
My point is, once you have lost your fight you begin to float. You are responsible for no one but your lazy self and you sure don't have to worry about the people you are floating with because they have about as much fight in them as you do. They are content to let their butts float along and drag the bottom of the waiting pool and as the old adage goes...misery loves company.
The rapids are scary and holding onto someone else can be even more frightening. There's a chance you might even lose them. It beats the hell out of floating though. Life is not meant to be repeated year after year with the same routines and patterns. It's not meant to be manipulated and it's not something you float through. You paddle, you grit your teeth and you reach for that person that is counting on you. Floaters and rafters will never be able to do life together. Settlers and dreamers will never be able to do life together.
It is the beaches I want and I had to get off the lazy river to get there. When you find your life floating in a continuous, same scenery kind of circle, the important thing to remember is...the intertubes are not connected and there are always exits. Grab a paddle and hold on...
Out of all the thoughts I have sorted and attempted to file away tonight, one haunts me more than the rest. It can be summed up in one word. Fight. Fight for yourself, fight for a cause, fight for someone. Too often do we float instead of fight.
Never been white water rafting and never had any desire to do so. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of how it's been described to me though. A group of people paddling against crashing rapids, each responsible for the person in front of them. I may be mistaken, but I believe you are responsible for holding onto or grabbing the assigned person if things get too bumpy. The entire experience is a fight. A fight to paddle, and a fight to hold on.
Sometimes people lose their fight when they feel like they are the only one fighting. This is when the floating process comes in to play. My floating analogy can best be compared to the 'Lazy River,' which is an actual "ride" at The Beach Water Park in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is by far the most boring thing you can do while at the water park. Why would anyone want to float in a circle around the park all day when you could be plunging down pipes, picking wedgies out of your brain??
My point is, once you have lost your fight you begin to float. You are responsible for no one but your lazy self and you sure don't have to worry about the people you are floating with because they have about as much fight in them as you do. They are content to let their butts float along and drag the bottom of the waiting pool and as the old adage goes...misery loves company.
The rapids are scary and holding onto someone else can be even more frightening. There's a chance you might even lose them. It beats the hell out of floating though. Life is not meant to be repeated year after year with the same routines and patterns. It's not meant to be manipulated and it's not something you float through. You paddle, you grit your teeth and you reach for that person that is counting on you. Floaters and rafters will never be able to do life together. Settlers and dreamers will never be able to do life together.
It is the beaches I want and I had to get off the lazy river to get there. When you find your life floating in a continuous, same scenery kind of circle, the important thing to remember is...the intertubes are not connected and there are always exits. Grab a paddle and hold on...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Drawing Lines In The Sand Just To Cross Them...
So often we become the ultimate rule followers, not allowing ourselves to be the free spirits we were meant to be. We fear that we will disappoint, let down, and shame our friends and loved ones when our biggest fear really should be looking in the mirror and being unrecognizable in our own eyes. Once you begin to replace your hopes with regrets, you have "traded your hero's for ghost."
Passion is defined as "Ardent Love". Ardent means to be eager, so passion is being eager to "love"?? If I may, I would like to redefine the word passion, leaving "love" out of it. Passion is an overwhelming, intense emotion that you physically feel in the deepest part of your soul to be a part of something whether that may be an activity, a cause , or a relationship. It cannot be controlled and no one should attempt to do so. It is something that is easily lost and can quickly be aroused, but more importantly...it is what savers our youth. I have met 16 year old kids that live like they are 80 and I have a 96 year old Aunt that rides the wave of life like a 21 year old wild eyed girl.
We draw lines in the sand because we know we are capable of crossing them otherwise we wouldn't need them. In my opinion, we are all standing on the line wondering, waiting, wasting time, waging the war within on whether or not we step over the line we have drawn in the sand to restrict ourselves from...WHAT??? Living??
We don't have to be the person that other people think we should be. We do have to be the person we were created to be. I believe the secret to a happy life is not finding the perfect career, or being overly wealthy, or getting married and having 2.5 kids and a dog named Buster. I believe it is knowing one's self. We get so caught up in the world that we miss out on getting to know and understand what we are all about. You don't have to travel to Tibet and live with monks to figure this out. You just need to start crossing those lines that you have always had the urge to do so.
There's my 3 cents for the day.
Passion is defined as "Ardent Love". Ardent means to be eager, so passion is being eager to "love"?? If I may, I would like to redefine the word passion, leaving "love" out of it. Passion is an overwhelming, intense emotion that you physically feel in the deepest part of your soul to be a part of something whether that may be an activity, a cause , or a relationship. It cannot be controlled and no one should attempt to do so. It is something that is easily lost and can quickly be aroused, but more importantly...it is what savers our youth. I have met 16 year old kids that live like they are 80 and I have a 96 year old Aunt that rides the wave of life like a 21 year old wild eyed girl.
We draw lines in the sand because we know we are capable of crossing them otherwise we wouldn't need them. In my opinion, we are all standing on the line wondering, waiting, wasting time, waging the war within on whether or not we step over the line we have drawn in the sand to restrict ourselves from...WHAT??? Living??
We don't have to be the person that other people think we should be. We do have to be the person we were created to be. I believe the secret to a happy life is not finding the perfect career, or being overly wealthy, or getting married and having 2.5 kids and a dog named Buster. I believe it is knowing one's self. We get so caught up in the world that we miss out on getting to know and understand what we are all about. You don't have to travel to Tibet and live with monks to figure this out. You just need to start crossing those lines that you have always had the urge to do so.
There's my 3 cents for the day.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I Just Want To Use Your Love...
For some reason, every time I get in my car I hear the song "Your Love" by The Outfield. I love the song, always have. Takes me back to my video game playing Grand Theft Auto days haha Anywho, I started to really listen to the lyrics and at first I was like, geesh, what a jerk!! Then as I listened I thought, an honest person. Not something you can come by easily in this life. Harry Truman once said, "They call me give 'em hell Harry. All I do is tell them the truth and they say it's giving 'em hell." Have always loved that statement. How true Harry...we can't handle the truth.
There is just something refreshing about BRUTAL honesty upfront. Not...I know I'm gonna get caught honesty or it's about time to be honest honesty. Someone who will look you in the eye and give it to you straight in the first few moments of your getting acquainted period. It's risky, but what a thrill. It can be so refreshing to walk away and not have to play the analyze that game. It doesn't always feel good, but I promise you, that you will respect that person.
It is true what they say about good eye contact. I love to look people in the eyes. If I look away it means I am uncomfortable with the subject or the person. Body language is also a dead give-a-way. The lean says it all, did they lean in or away? I am not talking about romance here. I am talking about understanding people. Not everyone is going to look at you and say..."quit touching me, and back up!" Stop the insanity!! haha Give people their space and know how to recognize when they really, truly want you in it. This is true in life, love and the elevator. ;)
Don't make promises, plans, pottery or anything else that can be broken.
Okay...my thoughts for the night, take them, leave them, lean in or away. I just want to USE your love tonight...it's that simple.
There is just something refreshing about BRUTAL honesty upfront. Not...I know I'm gonna get caught honesty or it's about time to be honest honesty. Someone who will look you in the eye and give it to you straight in the first few moments of your getting acquainted period. It's risky, but what a thrill. It can be so refreshing to walk away and not have to play the analyze that game. It doesn't always feel good, but I promise you, that you will respect that person.
It is true what they say about good eye contact. I love to look people in the eyes. If I look away it means I am uncomfortable with the subject or the person. Body language is also a dead give-a-way. The lean says it all, did they lean in or away? I am not talking about romance here. I am talking about understanding people. Not everyone is going to look at you and say..."quit touching me, and back up!" Stop the insanity!! haha Give people their space and know how to recognize when they really, truly want you in it. This is true in life, love and the elevator. ;)
Don't make promises, plans, pottery or anything else that can be broken.
Okay...my thoughts for the night, take them, leave them, lean in or away. I just want to USE your love tonight...it's that simple.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011??
At this point I have no idea what to expect with another year. All I know is, I am ready for some breathing room. I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but as far as this years concerned I have to clean anything bad out of my life. If something or someone makes me feel bad...it's gone. I was amazed at how many things made that list. Some were hard to let go, but after I did it...ahhhhh,what a feeling!!
My soul has been dormant for far too long and it longs to be awakened. Sometimes you meet someone who knows exactly how to do this for you. I won't call them a soul mate because that kind of thinking is very illogical. They are more like a kindred spirit. I love the line Owen Wilson gives Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers... "your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." Now, that's what I'm looking for. May be a crap shoot, but it makes sense.
Right now I am LOVING the fact that I actually know who I am and what I want. I also know who I am NOT and what I DON'T want. I am blessed to have good *mature* friends that love me. I have learned to laugh at my circumstances. That is an art by the way because if you don't know how to laugh you will for sure cry. I DON'T cry so I have to release it somewhere.
My dating life is still a book with each boy claiming his own chapter. I say boy because...well...I have yet to meet a man. haha It can all be filed under life experience though and I am thankful for each one of them. They all played a part in showing me what I don't want or deserve.
2011 will be a year of breathing in and out, feeling healthy, smiling back at myself in the mirror every morning, enjoying the 'Salt Life' that I have grown so fond of and accepting that 30 is not old. I leave for Mexico next month and that's just the beginning of my adventures. There's a story here and I want my grandchildren to one day say..."she was a CRAZY woman who sucked every drop out of life, leaving no stone unturned, always letting her long dark wild hair down to blow in the breeze." Yep, put it on my tombstone. hahaha Happy New Year, may its juices run down your chin!!
My soul has been dormant for far too long and it longs to be awakened. Sometimes you meet someone who knows exactly how to do this for you. I won't call them a soul mate because that kind of thinking is very illogical. They are more like a kindred spirit. I love the line Owen Wilson gives Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers... "your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." Now, that's what I'm looking for. May be a crap shoot, but it makes sense.
Right now I am LOVING the fact that I actually know who I am and what I want. I also know who I am NOT and what I DON'T want. I am blessed to have good *mature* friends that love me. I have learned to laugh at my circumstances. That is an art by the way because if you don't know how to laugh you will for sure cry. I DON'T cry so I have to release it somewhere.
My dating life is still a book with each boy claiming his own chapter. I say boy because...well...I have yet to meet a man. haha It can all be filed under life experience though and I am thankful for each one of them. They all played a part in showing me what I don't want or deserve.
2011 will be a year of breathing in and out, feeling healthy, smiling back at myself in the mirror every morning, enjoying the 'Salt Life' that I have grown so fond of and accepting that 30 is not old. I leave for Mexico next month and that's just the beginning of my adventures. There's a story here and I want my grandchildren to one day say..."she was a CRAZY woman who sucked every drop out of life, leaving no stone unturned, always letting her long dark wild hair down to blow in the breeze." Yep, put it on my tombstone. hahaha Happy New Year, may its juices run down your chin!!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
$1 To Get Me Over The Bridge...
For some time now, I have been in a constant struggle with God. I have been questioning his involvement in my life, the significance of my own life and just the overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to shake. I was reading the children's version of the story of Gideon the other night before bed and I found my self relating, which was something I hadn't done for quite sometime in regards to my faith.
As I read the story of Gideon in Judges 6, I began to feel something within, something awaken that had been asleep for some time. I was a Gideon. The words of Gideon could have been my own.
Judges 6:13
Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are not all His miracles which our fathers told us about..."
Then in true "human" fashion, Gideon needs a sign. He needs to know that God means business. He was tired of the disappointment and he needed to know that God was truly with him. I have often found myself asking God for the wet wool, dry ground recently. I need a sign to know that he has not given up on me, that there is still a master plan for my life.
Last night I headed south to do a little Christmas shopping. I found myself coming up on a toll and I was in a solid panic to scrape together four quarters out of my ashtray. Luckily I had just that. I never carry cash because I just prefer to swipe the old check card. I made a mental note to go to an ATM as soon as I got to the mall to avoid this disaster on the way home. I arrived at the mall and began frantically shopping, moving from store to store. As I was walking, I came upon what appeared to be $1 bill on the ground. I thought...could it be? Yes, it was. I looked around and there was no one who could've dropped it so I picked it up and in my coat pocket it went. I had a little extra pep because I have the worst luck in the world and stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I finished my shopping and headed to the car.
I was on the road again, heading back to Tampa when...I saw the toll sign. Oh #@*!...I had forgotten to get money at the ATM. Suddenly I remembered my "once in a lifetime lucky moment" and I reached in my coat pocket and there it was. I handed over the $1 to the toll booth worker and I was on my way. All I could think was, maybe God just wanted me to know that he was still looking out for me. He provided the $1 to get me over the bridge. It wasn't a $50 dollar bill or a $20 or even a $10 or $5. It was all I needed to get me home.
I would like to believe that God is still working in my life and even though I have had more doors slammed in my face than a door to door Bible salesman, He still has something in mind for me and He's just keeping me from screwing it up.
Judges 6 15-16
He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." But the Lord said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."
Surely I will be with you...whether it's for something great or, if only to provide you with $1 for your toll to get you home.
As I read the story of Gideon in Judges 6, I began to feel something within, something awaken that had been asleep for some time. I was a Gideon. The words of Gideon could have been my own.
Judges 6:13
Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are not all His miracles which our fathers told us about..."
Then in true "human" fashion, Gideon needs a sign. He needs to know that God means business. He was tired of the disappointment and he needed to know that God was truly with him. I have often found myself asking God for the wet wool, dry ground recently. I need a sign to know that he has not given up on me, that there is still a master plan for my life.
Last night I headed south to do a little Christmas shopping. I found myself coming up on a toll and I was in a solid panic to scrape together four quarters out of my ashtray. Luckily I had just that. I never carry cash because I just prefer to swipe the old check card. I made a mental note to go to an ATM as soon as I got to the mall to avoid this disaster on the way home. I arrived at the mall and began frantically shopping, moving from store to store. As I was walking, I came upon what appeared to be $1 bill on the ground. I thought...could it be? Yes, it was. I looked around and there was no one who could've dropped it so I picked it up and in my coat pocket it went. I had a little extra pep because I have the worst luck in the world and stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I finished my shopping and headed to the car.
I was on the road again, heading back to Tampa when...I saw the toll sign. Oh #@*!...I had forgotten to get money at the ATM. Suddenly I remembered my "once in a lifetime lucky moment" and I reached in my coat pocket and there it was. I handed over the $1 to the toll booth worker and I was on my way. All I could think was, maybe God just wanted me to know that he was still looking out for me. He provided the $1 to get me over the bridge. It wasn't a $50 dollar bill or a $20 or even a $10 or $5. It was all I needed to get me home.
I would like to believe that God is still working in my life and even though I have had more doors slammed in my face than a door to door Bible salesman, He still has something in mind for me and He's just keeping me from screwing it up.
Judges 6 15-16
He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." But the Lord said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."
Surely I will be with you...whether it's for something great or, if only to provide you with $1 for your toll to get you home.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
This Is How I See You...
When I first heard this song about 4 years ago, It made me feel a little sad, longing for days gone by. For some reason it made me think about when I was little, living out in the country, playing in the snow with my little brother. So innocent and so happy. Worry free, with things I could still believe in. When I listen to this song today, I am overwhelmed with sadness, wondering what happened to that little girl. Where did she go? I miss her more than I miss anyone I have ever lost in my life.
I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.
This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...
I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.
This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...
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