$1 To Get Me Over The Bridge...

For some time now, I have been in a constant struggle with God. I have been questioning his involvement in my life, the significance of my own life and just the overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to shake. I was reading the children's version of the story of Gideon the other night before bed and I found my self relating, which was something I hadn't done for quite sometime in regards to my faith.

As I read the story of Gideon in Judges 6, I began to feel something within, something awaken that had been asleep for some time. I was a Gideon. The words of Gideon could have been my own.

Judges 6:13
Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are not all His miracles which our fathers told us about..."

Then in true "human" fashion, Gideon needs a sign. He needs to know that God means business. He was tired of the disappointment and he needed to know that God was truly with him. I have often found myself asking God for the wet wool, dry ground recently. I need a sign to know that he has not given up on me, that there is still a master plan for my life.

Last night I headed south to do a little Christmas shopping. I found myself coming up on a toll and I was in a solid panic to scrape together four quarters out of my ashtray. Luckily I had just that. I never carry cash because I just prefer to swipe the old check card. I made a mental note to go to an ATM as soon as I got to the mall to avoid this disaster on the way home. I arrived at the mall and began frantically shopping, moving from store to store. As I was walking, I came upon what appeared to be $1 bill on the ground. I thought...could it be? Yes, it was. I looked around and there was no one who could've dropped it so I picked it up and in my coat pocket it went. I had a little extra pep because I have the worst luck in the world and stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I finished my shopping and headed to the car.

I was on the road again, heading back to Tampa when...I saw the toll sign. Oh #@*!...I had forgotten to get money at the ATM. Suddenly I remembered my "once in a lifetime lucky moment" and I reached in my coat pocket and there it was. I handed over the $1 to the toll booth worker and I was on my way. All I could think was, maybe God just wanted me to know that he was still looking out for me. He provided the $1 to get me over the bridge. It wasn't a $50 dollar bill or a $20 or even a $10 or $5. It was all I needed to get me home.

I would like to believe that God is still working in my life and even though I have had more doors slammed in my face than a door to door Bible salesman, He still has something in mind for me and He's just keeping me from screwing it up.

Judges 6 15-16
He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." But the Lord said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."

Surely I will be with you...whether it's for something great or, if only to provide you with $1 for your toll to get you home.

This Is How I See You...

When I first heard this song about 4 years ago, It made me feel a little sad, longing for days gone by. For some reason it made me think about when I was little, living out in the country, playing in the snow with my little brother. So innocent and so happy. Worry free, with things I could still believe in. When I listen to this song today, I am overwhelmed with sadness, wondering what happened to that little girl. Where did she go? I miss her more than I miss anyone I have ever lost in my life.

I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.

This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...