For some time now, I have been in a constant struggle with God. I have been questioning his involvement in my life, the significance of my own life and just the overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to shake. I was reading the children's version of the story of Gideon the other night before bed and I found my self relating, which was something I hadn't done for quite sometime in regards to my faith.
As I read the story of Gideon in Judges 6, I began to feel something within, something awaken that had been asleep for some time. I was a Gideon. The words of Gideon could have been my own.
Judges 6:13
Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are not all His miracles which our fathers told us about..."
Then in true "human" fashion, Gideon needs a sign. He needs to know that God means business. He was tired of the disappointment and he needed to know that God was truly with him. I have often found myself asking God for the wet wool, dry ground recently. I need a sign to know that he has not given up on me, that there is still a master plan for my life.
Last night I headed south to do a little Christmas shopping. I found myself coming up on a toll and I was in a solid panic to scrape together four quarters out of my ashtray. Luckily I had just that. I never carry cash because I just prefer to swipe the old check card. I made a mental note to go to an ATM as soon as I got to the mall to avoid this disaster on the way home. I arrived at the mall and began frantically shopping, moving from store to store. As I was walking, I came upon what appeared to be $1 bill on the ground. I thought...could it be? Yes, it was. I looked around and there was no one who could've dropped it so I picked it up and in my coat pocket it went. I had a little extra pep because I have the worst luck in the world and stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I finished my shopping and headed to the car.
I was on the road again, heading back to Tampa when...I saw the toll sign. Oh #@*!...I had forgotten to get money at the ATM. Suddenly I remembered my "once in a lifetime lucky moment" and I reached in my coat pocket and there it was. I handed over the $1 to the toll booth worker and I was on my way. All I could think was, maybe God just wanted me to know that he was still looking out for me. He provided the $1 to get me over the bridge. It wasn't a $50 dollar bill or a $20 or even a $10 or $5. It was all I needed to get me home.
I would like to believe that God is still working in my life and even though I have had more doors slammed in my face than a door to door Bible salesman, He still has something in mind for me and He's just keeping me from screwing it up.
Judges 6 15-16
He said to Him, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." But the Lord said to him, "Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man."
Surely I will be with you...whether it's for something great or, if only to provide you with $1 for your toll to get you home.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
This Is How I See You...
When I first heard this song about 4 years ago, It made me feel a little sad, longing for days gone by. For some reason it made me think about when I was little, living out in the country, playing in the snow with my little brother. So innocent and so happy. Worry free, with things I could still believe in. When I listen to this song today, I am overwhelmed with sadness, wondering what happened to that little girl. Where did she go? I miss her more than I miss anyone I have ever lost in my life.
I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.
This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...
I can close my eyes and I'm 23 years in the past. I see my brother all bundled up with bright red cheeks as I pull him around on the sled looking like a little snow baby. Playing in the snow until it's almost dark out, then heading in and stripping out of our wet snow suits and standing next to the wood burning stove to dry off. I can hear the wood cracking and popping. Right now, in this moment, I would give anything to stand next to that old wood burning stove and feel the innocence that I have so freely lost over these 23 years.
This is how I see me, in the snow on Christmas morning. Love and happiness surrounds me, as I throw my arms up to the sky, I keep this moment by and by...
Monday, November 15, 2010
And the road to life goes up and down...
For starters, I want everyone to know that I am completely aware of what this song is about. I still feel it has some significant lyrics, at least in reference to my life and I like to roll down the windows in the car, turn it up and pretend like I am gonna drive back home to the hills and quiet.
It's been a while since I got on here and spit out thoughts, I had a few minutes so I felt like organizing the madness that goes on in my mind on a daily basis. Recently I have met some very interesting people. Some I don't care to ever meet again and some I would like to stay for a while. Casting all fears to the back burner, I have let people into my life and tried new things that I normally would not. It has been a life changing experience and I am glad I was able to get my nerve or stupidity up to do so.
With my struggle to contain my constant anxiety about everyday occurrences,I often find myself not breathing. Today, I took a deep breath and smiled back at myself in the rear view mirror. There she was...the girl that still knows how to kick ass. I tend to lose her at times, but she always finds her way home. I can be a handful and very hard to hold, but I have learned to move forward and keep the past in the past. I can appreciate meeting people that can do the same. When I allow myself to be linked to a past that obviously was not my future, I throw everything good in my life off. It's hard not to return to what we know. I find the thrill in walking into the unknown.
I read a quote today that said "Our brightest blazes are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." --Samuel Johnson
So many times we miss the spark because we are too focused on something that is uneventful and meaningless in our lives. The people that are willing to let it all go for the blaze are the people worth living life with.
Life and love are a heavy, heavy load.
It's been a while since I got on here and spit out thoughts, I had a few minutes so I felt like organizing the madness that goes on in my mind on a daily basis. Recently I have met some very interesting people. Some I don't care to ever meet again and some I would like to stay for a while. Casting all fears to the back burner, I have let people into my life and tried new things that I normally would not. It has been a life changing experience and I am glad I was able to get my nerve or stupidity up to do so.
With my struggle to contain my constant anxiety about everyday occurrences,I often find myself not breathing. Today, I took a deep breath and smiled back at myself in the rear view mirror. There she was...the girl that still knows how to kick ass. I tend to lose her at times, but she always finds her way home. I can be a handful and very hard to hold, but I have learned to move forward and keep the past in the past. I can appreciate meeting people that can do the same. When I allow myself to be linked to a past that obviously was not my future, I throw everything good in my life off. It's hard not to return to what we know. I find the thrill in walking into the unknown.
I read a quote today that said "Our brightest blazes are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." --Samuel Johnson
So many times we miss the spark because we are too focused on something that is uneventful and meaningless in our lives. The people that are willing to let it all go for the blaze are the people worth living life with.
Life and love are a heavy, heavy load.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Ready For Love??
I heard this song earlier today and thought...I dig it. I guess we always think we're ready for love, especially when we are single and "searching." I actually felt indifferent about..."love" after listening to this song. In this society and these times, love has a new definition. It's very short term. Instead of "I love you," I feel we should start saying "I want to be obsessed with you until I'm not anymore." I meet men pretty regularly and they are all looking for a woman that they have created in their minds. Good luck fellas! Then there are the women who are looking for a man that could star in an animated Disney princess movie.
I no longer live in this haze. I am a clear thinker and as an observer in the nightlife as a single gal...wow!! Very entertaining. No one is ready for "Love." We are ADHD daters. We lose interest in each other quicker than hyper colored t-shirts from the 80's came and went. I loved those by the way. The 40's and the 50's would be ashamed of our behavior. Sit still people, give each other a chance. First impressions are not the end all.
I don't say this as a bitter single woman, I say this as someone who notices how mentally unhealthy we are. I have let go of all expectations in regards to dating. I actually meet someone and embrace them if we have a good time together. When it's over and chances are it will be rather quickly, it's over. It's a square dance. The only difference for me is, I refuse to dance with the same partner twice. I love history, but I won't live it.
Just some random thoughts provoked by a Bad Company song.
"Now I'm on my feet again, better things are bound to happen. All my dues surely must be paid. Many miles and many tears, times were high, but now they're changing. You should know that I'm not afraid."
I no longer live in this haze. I am a clear thinker and as an observer in the nightlife as a single gal...wow!! Very entertaining. No one is ready for "Love." We are ADHD daters. We lose interest in each other quicker than hyper colored t-shirts from the 80's came and went. I loved those by the way. The 40's and the 50's would be ashamed of our behavior. Sit still people, give each other a chance. First impressions are not the end all.
I don't say this as a bitter single woman, I say this as someone who notices how mentally unhealthy we are. I have let go of all expectations in regards to dating. I actually meet someone and embrace them if we have a good time together. When it's over and chances are it will be rather quickly, it's over. It's a square dance. The only difference for me is, I refuse to dance with the same partner twice. I love history, but I won't live it.
Just some random thoughts provoked by a Bad Company song.
"Now I'm on my feet again, better things are bound to happen. All my dues surely must be paid. Many miles and many tears, times were high, but now they're changing. You should know that I'm not afraid."
Monday, October 25, 2010
Better As A Memory...
Getting older is both bitter and sweet. Recently I have been learning life lessons. I'm sure they were always there for the taking, but just now at this point in my life do they apply or even make sense. It's a bitter feeling to know that everyday is one day closer to death, but so sweet to be able to look in the mirror and start to recognize the person looking back at you.
Sometimes I think the memory of a situation is so much better then the way it actually was. History often repeats itself, but relationships were not meant to. The phrase..."that ship's sailed" comes to mind. I have accepted that I am probably better as a memory as well.
You hear the phrase, "Live, Laugh, Love." I have decided to go a little more detailed with it, and make a few changes...Laugh like a child, Love like it's your first, and Pray like a sinner. I love to hear kids giggle and laugh uncontrollably. You will never be as trusting and true then as you were with your first love. To pray like a sinner, is holding nothing back from God. I often hear people pray and they sound so rehearsed and flowery. A true sinner hits the ground on their knees, and does not try to pull one over on God, but recognizes that they will sin again before the sun sets.
"I never stay, but then again I might..."
Sometimes I think the memory of a situation is so much better then the way it actually was. History often repeats itself, but relationships were not meant to. The phrase..."that ship's sailed" comes to mind. I have accepted that I am probably better as a memory as well.
You hear the phrase, "Live, Laugh, Love." I have decided to go a little more detailed with it, and make a few changes...Laugh like a child, Love like it's your first, and Pray like a sinner. I love to hear kids giggle and laugh uncontrollably. You will never be as trusting and true then as you were with your first love. To pray like a sinner, is holding nothing back from God. I often hear people pray and they sound so rehearsed and flowery. A true sinner hits the ground on their knees, and does not try to pull one over on God, but recognizes that they will sin again before the sun sets.
"I never stay, but then again I might..."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Think Of Me What You Will, I've Got A Little Space To Fill...
We have all heard and probably practiced the phrase 'wanting what we cannot have' or 'wanting to do wrong because it feels so right.' A hard thing to program yourself to do is learn to love what's best for you. It's human nature to be drawn to the bad boys of life and I mean that comparatively although, I truly usually am. Scratch that...I'm usually drawn to the mentally insane boys. I think "boys" is the key word there.
This is about a broader range of life issues though, but relationships do manipulate this subject for me. The question is, how does one control this? How do I love what's good for me? The only solution I have come up with is this...You must be appreciative of the good. The only way to get to this point unfortunately is to be all too familiar with the bad. When you reach "the end of your rope," you DON'T tie a knot and hang on, you cut that rotten rope loose and move on. You then learn to recognize good things, good energy, good days, and good nights.
There are three kinds of relationships we can form with one another. 1.) Needful relationships, meaning those that we need in our life like family, co-workers, neighbors etc... 2.) Healthy relationships, such as friends, significant others, and pets. 3.) Toxic relationships, which as far as I'm concerned would be right up there with the Grim Reaper. These relationships rob us of LIFE. They are dark and empty and that's exactly how they leave us feeling. We have to learn to amputate them from our lives. This is very hard to do because it takes age and experience to see them coming.
These are all just meaningless thoughts and I was inspired by this thought by Tom Petty today. ha ha No, I was not rolling joints, but the song is right on the money. "You don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels...to be me." It's time we become mentally healthy individuals...by we I mean me. "People come, people go, some grow young, some grow old." I agree with Tom, time to grow young.
This is about a broader range of life issues though, but relationships do manipulate this subject for me. The question is, how does one control this? How do I love what's good for me? The only solution I have come up with is this...You must be appreciative of the good. The only way to get to this point unfortunately is to be all too familiar with the bad. When you reach "the end of your rope," you DON'T tie a knot and hang on, you cut that rotten rope loose and move on. You then learn to recognize good things, good energy, good days, and good nights.
There are three kinds of relationships we can form with one another. 1.) Needful relationships, meaning those that we need in our life like family, co-workers, neighbors etc... 2.) Healthy relationships, such as friends, significant others, and pets. 3.) Toxic relationships, which as far as I'm concerned would be right up there with the Grim Reaper. These relationships rob us of LIFE. They are dark and empty and that's exactly how they leave us feeling. We have to learn to amputate them from our lives. This is very hard to do because it takes age and experience to see them coming.
These are all just meaningless thoughts and I was inspired by this thought by Tom Petty today. ha ha No, I was not rolling joints, but the song is right on the money. "You don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels...to be me." It's time we become mentally healthy individuals...by we I mean me. "People come, people go, some grow young, some grow old." I agree with Tom, time to grow young.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Someday...
I am having one of those nostalgic days where I wish I were about 7 years old walking in the field with my grandpa (a.k.a Poppy) early in the morning going to get the cows and bring them in. Why can't we understand in that moment, that it's the only moment? There will not be others.
"Moonlight" Graham said it best in Field of Dreams... "You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day."
I can still smell the hay and the dewy grass. I can hear the cows off in the distance and I can see my grandfather walking upright and strong, carrying a big walking stick in all of his glory. We spot the cattle and Poppy gives Crystal (my grandfathers trusty border collie)the order to herd em' up. Off she goes with all of her might. So anxious to please her master. She barks and chases with no fear of these creatures that are so much bigger than her. When she has finished, she returns to my grandfather with a the look of loyalty, searching for some sign of approval.
Onward, back to the house. As we get closer we can make out a figure standing at the fence patiently awaiting our return. What did she ponder in those moments as she would often wait for my grandfather to return? If I had to guess, I would say she prayed. Probably for her family and friends. She probably asked God for forgiveness for things we would consider to be petty. I believe on the days her grandchildren were visiting, she anticipated all of the precious time she would get to spend with us and wished whole heartily that we all lived closer.
Today I ponder her memory and I whole heartily wish she lived closer.
I just have not been able to write a blog this month that didn't refer to her, because she has been on my heart even more than usual. Please God, never let me forget the sound of her voice.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
"Moonlight" Graham said it best in Field of Dreams... "You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day."
I can still smell the hay and the dewy grass. I can hear the cows off in the distance and I can see my grandfather walking upright and strong, carrying a big walking stick in all of his glory. We spot the cattle and Poppy gives Crystal (my grandfathers trusty border collie)the order to herd em' up. Off she goes with all of her might. So anxious to please her master. She barks and chases with no fear of these creatures that are so much bigger than her. When she has finished, she returns to my grandfather with a the look of loyalty, searching for some sign of approval.
Onward, back to the house. As we get closer we can make out a figure standing at the fence patiently awaiting our return. What did she ponder in those moments as she would often wait for my grandfather to return? If I had to guess, I would say she prayed. Probably for her family and friends. She probably asked God for forgiveness for things we would consider to be petty. I believe on the days her grandchildren were visiting, she anticipated all of the precious time she would get to spend with us and wished whole heartily that we all lived closer.
Today I ponder her memory and I whole heartily wish she lived closer.
I just have not been able to write a blog this month that didn't refer to her, because she has been on my heart even more than usual. Please God, never let me forget the sound of her voice.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
October's Memory...
This time last year, I was spending everyday waiting for the dreaded call from my mother telling me my Nana had passed on. The strange thing was, I had accepted that she was going to leave, but nothing had ever prepared me for the life change that would take place when she did. From the moment I knew in my heart how sick she truly was to the phone ringing early morning on October 28th, it was like a very bad, hazy dream. Now when I recall everything that took place only a year ago, it's like recollecting a nightmare. I guess I will go the rest of my life wishing to wake up.
I know people lose grandparents everyday and they easily move on with their lives because it's a part of life, but my Nana was not just a part of life, she was larger than life. She taught me so much and I didn't even know how much I had learned from her until she was gone. The thing is, I feel like I hadn't learned all I was supposed to from her. I often find myself thinking 'I can't wait to show her this' or 'I have to call her and tell her all about this.' I then remind myself that she is gone and she is never coming back.
We did some of the craziest things together. She once bought us tickets for a Clay Walker concert at the fair and then asked a man who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin if we could sit with him. Did Stone Cold even know that he was sitting with one of the most spectacular individuals God ever created? My grandmother would never let me pay for anything. She would always say..."Just get me a coke later." Nana, how many cokes do I still owe you? She knew how to laugh at herself when she did something silly and I pray I am able to mimic that in my life.
I am moving on in my life because that's what she would've wanted me to do, but I have yet to have a day where she didn't cross my mind, and I have yet to have a week where I didn't weep for her. The last time I saw her living, was in the hospital and I spent an evening with her. It was just the two of us, like old times when we would watch the Twilight Zone marathon every New Years Eve. I sat by her bed, held her hand and sang softly to her. Even in her pain she would occasionally rub my hand to comfort me. It's so strange how I will probably never forget what her hands looked like.
My Nana loved fall more than any other season, so it was fitting that she left us on a beautiful fall day with the leaves as vibrant and colorful as the life she lived while on this earth.
I know people lose grandparents everyday and they easily move on with their lives because it's a part of life, but my Nana was not just a part of life, she was larger than life. She taught me so much and I didn't even know how much I had learned from her until she was gone. The thing is, I feel like I hadn't learned all I was supposed to from her. I often find myself thinking 'I can't wait to show her this' or 'I have to call her and tell her all about this.' I then remind myself that she is gone and she is never coming back.
We did some of the craziest things together. She once bought us tickets for a Clay Walker concert at the fair and then asked a man who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin if we could sit with him. Did Stone Cold even know that he was sitting with one of the most spectacular individuals God ever created? My grandmother would never let me pay for anything. She would always say..."Just get me a coke later." Nana, how many cokes do I still owe you? She knew how to laugh at herself when she did something silly and I pray I am able to mimic that in my life.
I am moving on in my life because that's what she would've wanted me to do, but I have yet to have a day where she didn't cross my mind, and I have yet to have a week where I didn't weep for her. The last time I saw her living, was in the hospital and I spent an evening with her. It was just the two of us, like old times when we would watch the Twilight Zone marathon every New Years Eve. I sat by her bed, held her hand and sang softly to her. Even in her pain she would occasionally rub my hand to comfort me. It's so strange how I will probably never forget what her hands looked like.
My Nana loved fall more than any other season, so it was fitting that she left us on a beautiful fall day with the leaves as vibrant and colorful as the life she lived while on this earth.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Two Things I Know To Be True...
I have recently taken on a brand new view on life. It's been a process and I pray I'm finally getting it right. I went from being someone that lived each day like I would live a thousand years to realizing that everyday could be my last. Losing my Nana almost a year ago this month put this life change in motion. I would give anything for even a minute more with her, but that's not my reality. Up until recently everything in my life was SO important. My success, my home, my friends, my family, my reputation etc... Then I began to understand some things about myself. I came up with two truths that I will forever live by.
Truth #1 Set Attainable Goals For Yourself.
There is nothing wrong with ambition, but to be honest...I have met very few TRULY HAPPY ambitious people. In our society we measure a man by bank account, job status, spouse, children, home, and physical appearance. Who can be truly happy trying to live up to these unattainable goals? When you grow up in the church, you hear the phrase 'be like Christ' very often. He was perfect!! Don't think it gets anymore unattainable. Perfection is not humanly possible folks. We can't even get through a day without screwing something up.
I believe the church has misinterpreted scripture...imagine that. I think we are supposed to LOVE like Christ, show compassion like Christ, and most of all "learn" to forgive like him. Forgiveness is not always attainable, at least not immediately. It can happen over time though. To be just like Christ is not possible. I have accepted that and I will set more attainable goals for myself that I can accomplish. No one feels good when they fail at LIFE.
Truth #2 Actually Love Yourself.
I'm not new age or anything, but there is a lot to be said for a bath with candles and soothing music. It doesn't stop there though, everything that relaxes, calms you, and makes you happy should be done daily. We don't have to wait for the weekend or a spouse to run us a bath or a special occasion to wear our fancy unmentionables. We should always love and honor ourselves. We can't expect others to like us let alone love us if we are not practicing this daily.
When I first got Maggie B. my trusty little side kick of about 5 years now, I had her groomed regularly, bathed, wormed, daily trips to the dog park, walks etc... I still pamper my girl, but at that time in my life, I was taking better care of her than myself. I loved her and still do, but I needed to start loving myself. I needed to treat myself well. We spend our young adult lives working, working, working so that we may one day relax when we are older and can't even enjoy the time off due to regular trips to doctors and pharmacy's. What is wrong with us? Who started this??
Being a history major, I believe this is something that is fairly recent. Yes, people have always worked, but at one time the work one did was more therapeutic. People actually tend gardens, do wood working, and cook as a stress release now. These were original trades with the early settlers. These people had an abundance of endorphins flowing through them because they were active and their daily goals were very attainable. Today we abuse ourselves. We don't take care of ourselves and our mental stability.
I am starting to love myself and to be honest, it's been great!! I know that I need to run at least 5 days a week and I know I need to drink a cup a coffee on my back patio on a regular basis and I know that I need to visit the beach at least once a week because that's why I moved down here by golly and I'm gonna enjoy it.
I leave you with this thought...There's nothing wrong with wasting time. It's really no waste at all when you are enjoying the gift of life.
Otis said it best..."I can't do what ten people tell me to, so I guess I'll remain the same..."
Truth #1 Set Attainable Goals For Yourself.
There is nothing wrong with ambition, but to be honest...I have met very few TRULY HAPPY ambitious people. In our society we measure a man by bank account, job status, spouse, children, home, and physical appearance. Who can be truly happy trying to live up to these unattainable goals? When you grow up in the church, you hear the phrase 'be like Christ' very often. He was perfect!! Don't think it gets anymore unattainable. Perfection is not humanly possible folks. We can't even get through a day without screwing something up.
I believe the church has misinterpreted scripture...imagine that. I think we are supposed to LOVE like Christ, show compassion like Christ, and most of all "learn" to forgive like him. Forgiveness is not always attainable, at least not immediately. It can happen over time though. To be just like Christ is not possible. I have accepted that and I will set more attainable goals for myself that I can accomplish. No one feels good when they fail at LIFE.
Truth #2 Actually Love Yourself.
I'm not new age or anything, but there is a lot to be said for a bath with candles and soothing music. It doesn't stop there though, everything that relaxes, calms you, and makes you happy should be done daily. We don't have to wait for the weekend or a spouse to run us a bath or a special occasion to wear our fancy unmentionables. We should always love and honor ourselves. We can't expect others to like us let alone love us if we are not practicing this daily.
When I first got Maggie B. my trusty little side kick of about 5 years now, I had her groomed regularly, bathed, wormed, daily trips to the dog park, walks etc... I still pamper my girl, but at that time in my life, I was taking better care of her than myself. I loved her and still do, but I needed to start loving myself. I needed to treat myself well. We spend our young adult lives working, working, working so that we may one day relax when we are older and can't even enjoy the time off due to regular trips to doctors and pharmacy's. What is wrong with us? Who started this??
Being a history major, I believe this is something that is fairly recent. Yes, people have always worked, but at one time the work one did was more therapeutic. People actually tend gardens, do wood working, and cook as a stress release now. These were original trades with the early settlers. These people had an abundance of endorphins flowing through them because they were active and their daily goals were very attainable. Today we abuse ourselves. We don't take care of ourselves and our mental stability.
I am starting to love myself and to be honest, it's been great!! I know that I need to run at least 5 days a week and I know I need to drink a cup a coffee on my back patio on a regular basis and I know that I need to visit the beach at least once a week because that's why I moved down here by golly and I'm gonna enjoy it.
I leave you with this thought...There's nothing wrong with wasting time. It's really no waste at all when you are enjoying the gift of life.
Otis said it best..."I can't do what ten people tell me to, so I guess I'll remain the same..."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letting Go...
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go of all your anxieties, frustrations, concerns, burdens and WORRIES. We all have had that wonderful yet pointless advice given to us..."Just let go." Okay...I would love to let go, but how?? Depending on our nature, for some of us this is easy and for others, we have a better chance of flying with pigs. haha Is it impossible for us "fixers?" No...not at all. We can do it, but it takes a lot more time and meditation.
The phrase 'Happy Place' comes to mind. For those of us that are in a constant state of worry and concern we literally have to have a 'happy place.' For me, it's not something I can go to in my mind, believe me I have tried. It is an actual place. It would be ideal if we could just pick up and go every time we are having "one of those days," but that's just not gonna happen for us.
My solution, and I'm not saying it is full proof, is habit. The same people that cannot let go are major habit formers. Not always good habits either. I have gone through many habits in my life, so I know this is something I can excel at. I am in the process of making a habit out of tending to my serenity. Right now, I am accomplishing this about once a week. It's going good. I either go to the beach or I create something. When I am partaking in either one of these activities, I feel worthwhile.
The feeling of worthlessness is what brings on the anxieties. Feeling worthwhile, suppresses those anxieties. I am learning to slow down, not compare myself to those around me, and allow me to be me. I have had some really bad people come into my life this year and they left me feeling very inadequate. The interesting thing is, they were inadequate and they were not worthwhile in this life. At the same time, I have met a few people who were rare Bixbite: Red Berylems. I looked up rarest gem and this is what I came up with. Interesting enough, you can find these gems in the Wah Wah mountains of Utah. Right here in the good ole U S of A. Same place I found my own gems.
I encourage everyone to 'let go' in whatever way you know how. We have no control over most things in this life. Always do things that make you feel worthwhile and recognize the worthless so that they are unable to damage you. Make sure you remember to smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning. That way you always start your day with someone smiling at you. Just like Marley says..."Woke up this morning, smiled with the rising sun..."
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
The phrase 'Happy Place' comes to mind. For those of us that are in a constant state of worry and concern we literally have to have a 'happy place.' For me, it's not something I can go to in my mind, believe me I have tried. It is an actual place. It would be ideal if we could just pick up and go every time we are having "one of those days," but that's just not gonna happen for us.
My solution, and I'm not saying it is full proof, is habit. The same people that cannot let go are major habit formers. Not always good habits either. I have gone through many habits in my life, so I know this is something I can excel at. I am in the process of making a habit out of tending to my serenity. Right now, I am accomplishing this about once a week. It's going good. I either go to the beach or I create something. When I am partaking in either one of these activities, I feel worthwhile.
The feeling of worthlessness is what brings on the anxieties. Feeling worthwhile, suppresses those anxieties. I am learning to slow down, not compare myself to those around me, and allow me to be me. I have had some really bad people come into my life this year and they left me feeling very inadequate. The interesting thing is, they were inadequate and they were not worthwhile in this life. At the same time, I have met a few people who were rare Bixbite: Red Berylems. I looked up rarest gem and this is what I came up with. Interesting enough, you can find these gems in the Wah Wah mountains of Utah. Right here in the good ole U S of A. Same place I found my own gems.
I encourage everyone to 'let go' in whatever way you know how. We have no control over most things in this life. Always do things that make you feel worthwhile and recognize the worthless so that they are unable to damage you. Make sure you remember to smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning. That way you always start your day with someone smiling at you. Just like Marley says..."Woke up this morning, smiled with the rising sun..."
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Oil and Water...
Today I was walking through a parking lot with the little girl I nanny for and I heard her say, "Look, it made a rainbow!!" She was so amazed at all the colors floating around in a puddle next to my car. When I finally figured out what she was talking about, I realized it was a water puddle with oil mixed in.
A lot of times you will hear someone compare two people to oil and water, meaning they are a bad pair or opposites. It's never looked at as a good thing.Oil and water technically don't mix, but today I saw oil and water through the eyes of a four year old little girl and it was rather beautiful. There were swirls of vibrant colors going through the puddle where the oil had began to distribute. You could only see it if the sun hit it just right though.
I think the lesson I walked away with was the fact that two people may be very different and maybe even looked at as a bad fit, but often times when they get together they may turn into something beautiful. The Son has to shine just right on them though in order for their true beauty to shine through in swirls of vibrant colors. There are no hopeless or impossible situations.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time...
A lot of times you will hear someone compare two people to oil and water, meaning they are a bad pair or opposites. It's never looked at as a good thing.Oil and water technically don't mix, but today I saw oil and water through the eyes of a four year old little girl and it was rather beautiful. There were swirls of vibrant colors going through the puddle where the oil had began to distribute. You could only see it if the sun hit it just right though.
I think the lesson I walked away with was the fact that two people may be very different and maybe even looked at as a bad fit, but often times when they get together they may turn into something beautiful. The Son has to shine just right on them though in order for their true beauty to shine through in swirls of vibrant colors. There are no hopeless or impossible situations.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time...
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm Doing Me...
Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in everyone else's life. Depending on one's personality, it can be very detrimental to their health mentally and physically as well as emotionally.
I have had some very important conversations these last few days with some extraordinary women who have helped me switch gears in my mind. I have been thinking a lot about ME. May sound selfish to some, but if you know me at all, you're probably thinking...it's about time. That's right, it's time to do me for a while.
I find it to be very interesting that the person mentioned most in the Bible second to Jesus is David. He wasn't exactly what we would call 'a model citizen.' He was a die hard sinner to the core. The Bible refers to David as 'A Man After Gods Own Heart' though. I have felt very encouraged by Davids story recently. I am in no way perfect and I do not claim to be. I have many, many flaws and have met many that like to point them out to me. The thing I find to be most interesting, is the fact that David had many, many flaws as well. God still chose to use him for big things, and all the while he was screwing up in big ways!!
It's so easy to get down on yourself and begin to feel defeated. My neighbor said to me..."Cut yourself some slack Tara." I really needed to hear that, and I really need to do it. I'm doing my best and that's all I can do. This life is a gift from God. It wasn't given to us so that we could dedicate it to someone else. He wants us to have free hearts. Free to be happy, free to love, and free to make mistakes.
Every choice we make is followed by a lesson. Some lessons are quick and easy while others are long and painful. We can grow from them both, if we so choose. Now, while I have the world by the tail...I'm doing me the best way I know how.
In the book of Genesis 5:24 it talks about Enoch. This is my life verse.
"Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him."
I don't believe it can get any clearer than that. Enoch was not anything spectacular. He was just a man. I believe when it says 'he walked with God' it means that he had a relationship with Him, that we do our best. This is all God asks of us, that we stay close to Him. God was so pleased with Enoch's 'best' that He spared him death. What an amazing gift! Is it really that simple?
I have had some very important conversations these last few days with some extraordinary women who have helped me switch gears in my mind. I have been thinking a lot about ME. May sound selfish to some, but if you know me at all, you're probably thinking...it's about time. That's right, it's time to do me for a while.
I find it to be very interesting that the person mentioned most in the Bible second to Jesus is David. He wasn't exactly what we would call 'a model citizen.' He was a die hard sinner to the core. The Bible refers to David as 'A Man After Gods Own Heart' though. I have felt very encouraged by Davids story recently. I am in no way perfect and I do not claim to be. I have many, many flaws and have met many that like to point them out to me. The thing I find to be most interesting, is the fact that David had many, many flaws as well. God still chose to use him for big things, and all the while he was screwing up in big ways!!
It's so easy to get down on yourself and begin to feel defeated. My neighbor said to me..."Cut yourself some slack Tara." I really needed to hear that, and I really need to do it. I'm doing my best and that's all I can do. This life is a gift from God. It wasn't given to us so that we could dedicate it to someone else. He wants us to have free hearts. Free to be happy, free to love, and free to make mistakes.
Every choice we make is followed by a lesson. Some lessons are quick and easy while others are long and painful. We can grow from them both, if we so choose. Now, while I have the world by the tail...I'm doing me the best way I know how.
In the book of Genesis 5:24 it talks about Enoch. This is my life verse.
"Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him."
I don't believe it can get any clearer than that. Enoch was not anything spectacular. He was just a man. I believe when it says 'he walked with God' it means that he had a relationship with Him, that we do our best. This is all God asks of us, that we stay close to Him. God was so pleased with Enoch's 'best' that He spared him death. What an amazing gift! Is it really that simple?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Behind The Smile...
I think a persons smile can often be the most defining thing about them. Do they smile with their eyes? Does it looks like it's literally hurting them to smile? Is their smile accompanied with a laugh? I can usually tell a lot by the way a person smiles at me. Sometimes it's more about what's being said behind the smile.
When I smile at a stranger, I am usually trying to let them know that I see them. I truly see them. I want them to know that as far as I'm concerned they exist in this world and they have a purpose. For some reason, it always deflates me a bit if I smile at someone and they just look through me with no expression.
When greeted by a love, I want to see the smile go all the way to the eyes like pouring a liquid in a cup. I want to know that things just got better for them because they "saw" me. When I see my great aunt, I want to see a smile of recognition. That..."hey! I know you" kind of smile. One I fear I will never see again on her face. When greeted by a child, I want to see the smile that sparkles and giggles. The one that says..."I'm so safe now."
One of the hardest things to do is smile through the pain. I know people that are professionals at it and I envy them. I try to do it, but I feel like I still have a sadness about me that I just can't seem to hide. I also know people who may not even know how to smile. I recently met a man, who I didn't know for long, that never really smiled. I can vaguely remember him half way smiling, but more like he was disgusted with something, more than likely me. I can remember him often asking me..."What are you smiling for?" I was smiling because I thought I was happy.
Recently, speculation, fear, uncertainty, sorrow, emptiness, anxiety, and disappointment have been lingering behind my smile. I choose to keep smiling though because I may encounter someone that needs someone to smile back at them.
"Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile." ~Author Unknown
When I smile at a stranger, I am usually trying to let them know that I see them. I truly see them. I want them to know that as far as I'm concerned they exist in this world and they have a purpose. For some reason, it always deflates me a bit if I smile at someone and they just look through me with no expression.
When greeted by a love, I want to see the smile go all the way to the eyes like pouring a liquid in a cup. I want to know that things just got better for them because they "saw" me. When I see my great aunt, I want to see a smile of recognition. That..."hey! I know you" kind of smile. One I fear I will never see again on her face. When greeted by a child, I want to see the smile that sparkles and giggles. The one that says..."I'm so safe now."
One of the hardest things to do is smile through the pain. I know people that are professionals at it and I envy them. I try to do it, but I feel like I still have a sadness about me that I just can't seem to hide. I also know people who may not even know how to smile. I recently met a man, who I didn't know for long, that never really smiled. I can vaguely remember him half way smiling, but more like he was disgusted with something, more than likely me. I can remember him often asking me..."What are you smiling for?" I was smiling because I thought I was happy.
Recently, speculation, fear, uncertainty, sorrow, emptiness, anxiety, and disappointment have been lingering behind my smile. I choose to keep smiling though because I may encounter someone that needs someone to smile back at them.
"Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile." ~Author Unknown
Monday, August 30, 2010
Daughter Of A Preacher Man...
You know what they say about those preachers daughters right??? Well...I guess we tend to 'toe the line' a little more than your average girl, but I think the label we receive is a little harsh. Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I have been thinking a lot lately about how preachers kids view Christianity as opposed to someone who is new to the scene or was just raised in a Christian home. I don't think people really understand what it's like for the children of the 'Preacher Man.'
I do want to start off by saying that I was not raised in a stereotypical preachers home. My brother and I were not made to be 'freaks' at school in regards to our appearence or lack of social skills. We were preachers kids not home schooled. We played sports, went to dances, and had normal friends. Growing up a preachers kid, also taught us some valuable life skills. You learn to talk to everyone. My brother and I both are very good at engaging in conversations with just about anyone. We were also exposed to death at a very young age. My dad usually did the funerals so there we set front and center. I believe we were actually numb to the entire scene. We used to play in the coffee rooms of the funeral parlors seeing who could drink the most coffee.
The negatives of being a preachers kid actually come along later in life. You have been doing the dance for so long you begin to question what you really believe in. I grew up being made to do everything. I was made to sing or made to play a role in the Christmas play, made to wear a dress when I really wanted to dress like a hobo, made to sit up straight in the pew, made to wake up during communion when I fell asleep. You begin to resent the whole idea.
The older you get, you start to see your parents for who they are and their flaws become a hindrence in your growth as a believer. Again... this is not an attack on my parents. This is just a point of view as to why preachers kids stumble in their walk. When you as a preachers kid watch everyone attempt to model their families after yours and you know what goes on in your house, it kind of becomes humorous. You begin to feel like your entire family deserves an Academy Award.
Lets fast forward to adulthood. This is where it gets complicated. You have gone through the motions for so long, you're not sure you even know how to approach God Himself without your preachers family front on. Your sins have always been in secret because if anyone in the church would've found out, they may have decided to leave the church. You can probably name every book in the new and old testaments probably with a song, but you have never truely been touched by the words that are in them.
I love the Lord and I am just now trying to grasp the concept of 'unconditional love.' Preachers kids may be considered wild and 'toeing the line' but I can promise you one thing that's for sure... there is NO ONE harder on themselves when it comes to sin then them. We grow up hearing about an angry God that will throw us into the fire. We fear the book of Revelation like no one else and we are in a constant struggle to try and feel the presence of God in our lives. I believe we are the tormented ones. I know that God will take me "Just As I Am," but I have not yet learned to accept myself "Just As I Am."
I do want to start off by saying that I was not raised in a stereotypical preachers home. My brother and I were not made to be 'freaks' at school in regards to our appearence or lack of social skills. We were preachers kids not home schooled. We played sports, went to dances, and had normal friends. Growing up a preachers kid, also taught us some valuable life skills. You learn to talk to everyone. My brother and I both are very good at engaging in conversations with just about anyone. We were also exposed to death at a very young age. My dad usually did the funerals so there we set front and center. I believe we were actually numb to the entire scene. We used to play in the coffee rooms of the funeral parlors seeing who could drink the most coffee.
The negatives of being a preachers kid actually come along later in life. You have been doing the dance for so long you begin to question what you really believe in. I grew up being made to do everything. I was made to sing or made to play a role in the Christmas play, made to wear a dress when I really wanted to dress like a hobo, made to sit up straight in the pew, made to wake up during communion when I fell asleep. You begin to resent the whole idea.
The older you get, you start to see your parents for who they are and their flaws become a hindrence in your growth as a believer. Again... this is not an attack on my parents. This is just a point of view as to why preachers kids stumble in their walk. When you as a preachers kid watch everyone attempt to model their families after yours and you know what goes on in your house, it kind of becomes humorous. You begin to feel like your entire family deserves an Academy Award.
Lets fast forward to adulthood. This is where it gets complicated. You have gone through the motions for so long, you're not sure you even know how to approach God Himself without your preachers family front on. Your sins have always been in secret because if anyone in the church would've found out, they may have decided to leave the church. You can probably name every book in the new and old testaments probably with a song, but you have never truely been touched by the words that are in them.
I love the Lord and I am just now trying to grasp the concept of 'unconditional love.' Preachers kids may be considered wild and 'toeing the line' but I can promise you one thing that's for sure... there is NO ONE harder on themselves when it comes to sin then them. We grow up hearing about an angry God that will throw us into the fire. We fear the book of Revelation like no one else and we are in a constant struggle to try and feel the presence of God in our lives. I believe we are the tormented ones. I know that God will take me "Just As I Am," but I have not yet learned to accept myself "Just As I Am."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Not Myself...
Do you ever just feel like you're not yourself? Do you ever feel like that for a few years? On occasion I get a glimpse of "myself" but it usually fades away like a vapor. Maybe this is who I am and the version I long to be was not really me... I don't know, but I do know that this feeling has to pass. I recently watched 'Runaway Bride' with Julia Roberts and I in many ways could relate. I don't let it get as far as running from the altar, but I do tend to take off rather easily.
I'm not just referring to romantic relationships, I will hold myself back from a lot of things and people. Sometimes I am very right and I usually feel it in my gut. Recently I chose to ignore the "gut sickness" and it left me a little damaged. I hate wasted time!! Unlike Maggie Carpenter in "Runaway Bride," I do know how I like my eggs. I just don't know how I like my men, hair, house decor, and personal style.
I have noticed that I will look past some pretty serious flaws in a man, when my hair is curly I want it straight, sometimes I want my house beachy and other times I want it classic, and in regards to my personal style...that may just be a matter of cost. When I read this back to myself I am annoyed at how wishy washy I sound. Do people view me as a 'sway in the breeze' kind of girl? I have no problem with being a free spirit, but shouldn't I feel like "myself" by now? Am I the only person that questions these things or are there many who just refuse to define themselves.
I just feel like I am constantly meeting people who have no earthly idea who they are. Somewhere along the way, they have managed to confuse me. It might just be Florida, everyone I meet here is lost. They are either searching for "something" not really knowing what that "something" is or they are looking for someone to make pay for all the bad things that have happened to them in their past. (FYI I am very attracted to these sorts of characters...I love to take a beating for what someone else did.) Here I go again...
Back on track... I hate not feeling like myself and I hate that I have allowed people to rob me of my joy. I have no one to blame for that, but myself.
I recently started praying without ceasing for my strongest desire and when I say recently, I mean as of last night. I feel very repetitive already, but I believe God wants me to break a sweat over this. I fully intend to feel like myself again!
I Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.
I'm not just referring to romantic relationships, I will hold myself back from a lot of things and people. Sometimes I am very right and I usually feel it in my gut. Recently I chose to ignore the "gut sickness" and it left me a little damaged. I hate wasted time!! Unlike Maggie Carpenter in "Runaway Bride," I do know how I like my eggs. I just don't know how I like my men, hair, house decor, and personal style.
I have noticed that I will look past some pretty serious flaws in a man, when my hair is curly I want it straight, sometimes I want my house beachy and other times I want it classic, and in regards to my personal style...that may just be a matter of cost. When I read this back to myself I am annoyed at how wishy washy I sound. Do people view me as a 'sway in the breeze' kind of girl? I have no problem with being a free spirit, but shouldn't I feel like "myself" by now? Am I the only person that questions these things or are there many who just refuse to define themselves.
I just feel like I am constantly meeting people who have no earthly idea who they are. Somewhere along the way, they have managed to confuse me. It might just be Florida, everyone I meet here is lost. They are either searching for "something" not really knowing what that "something" is or they are looking for someone to make pay for all the bad things that have happened to them in their past. (FYI I am very attracted to these sorts of characters...I love to take a beating for what someone else did.) Here I go again...
Back on track... I hate not feeling like myself and I hate that I have allowed people to rob me of my joy. I have no one to blame for that, but myself.
I recently started praying without ceasing for my strongest desire and when I say recently, I mean as of last night. I feel very repetitive already, but I believe God wants me to break a sweat over this. I fully intend to feel like myself again!
I Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tupelo Honey
The last guy I was in a serious relationship with introduced me to the song 'Tupelo Honey' by Van Morrison. It's the sweetest memory I have of any guy I have ever dated. Maybe it was the setting, the innocence of the song, or just the fact that he was letting me know that this song made him think of me.
I became curious tonight about Tupelo Honey and now I must try some after reading about it. The interesting thing is, Tupelo Honey is actually found or "hived" if that's even a word, here in Florida.
"Pure Tupelo honey is produced from the White Ogeechee Tupelo (nyssa ogeche), it ranges through the Ogeechee River, the Apalachicola, and the Chattahoochee River Basins of northwest Florida. These river valleys are the only place in the world where Tupelo Honey is produced commercially. Bee hives are placed along the river's edge. The bees fan out through the surrounding Tupelo blossom rich swamps during April and May and return with nectar to produce their liquid treasure." (4tupelohoney.tripod.com)
The irony here for me is the fact that I dated him when I was still living back in Ohio. I ended up moving to the very state that this sweet lava is found in. I guess maybe he knew me better than I gave him credit for. I believe that he knew I needed to "leave the hive" and find my own kind of sweet life. I will forever remember him playing me this song and saying that it reminded him of me. I often wonder if when he hears that song it still holds as true to him. I hope so, it's always nice to think that you in some way left an impression on someones heart.
Recently I have felt a little bit cynical, and tonight I hope in my heart that I can get back the sweetness that I once possessed. To be as sweet as Tupelo Honey...
I became curious tonight about Tupelo Honey and now I must try some after reading about it. The interesting thing is, Tupelo Honey is actually found or "hived" if that's even a word, here in Florida.
"Pure Tupelo honey is produced from the White Ogeechee Tupelo (nyssa ogeche), it ranges through the Ogeechee River, the Apalachicola, and the Chattahoochee River Basins of northwest Florida. These river valleys are the only place in the world where Tupelo Honey is produced commercially. Bee hives are placed along the river's edge. The bees fan out through the surrounding Tupelo blossom rich swamps during April and May and return with nectar to produce their liquid treasure." (4tupelohoney.tripod.com)
The irony here for me is the fact that I dated him when I was still living back in Ohio. I ended up moving to the very state that this sweet lava is found in. I guess maybe he knew me better than I gave him credit for. I believe that he knew I needed to "leave the hive" and find my own kind of sweet life. I will forever remember him playing me this song and saying that it reminded him of me. I often wonder if when he hears that song it still holds as true to him. I hope so, it's always nice to think that you in some way left an impression on someones heart.
Recently I have felt a little bit cynical, and tonight I hope in my heart that I can get back the sweetness that I once possessed. To be as sweet as Tupelo Honey...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Black and White...
Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but craziness. Am I honestly still trying to "find myself?" This past year has been pretty crazy for me. I changed jobs, started dating again after a four year hiatus, and I said goodbye to my Nana, which was life changing in itself. All of this has left me questioning everything about myself. Oh yeah...did I mention I turned 30?
I have days that I get out of bed and feel like life is so complex and ever changing that it's impossible for us to wrap our small minds around it. There are other days that I wake up and face the day thinking life is so black and white and there are just too many people trying to complicate it for us. So what is it???
I guess I need to define who I am before I can tackle the bigger issues. When one defines thyself, they don't tell where they are from or what they do, but they tell who they are. It's not as easy as it may sound, but it's very black and white. You either are or you aren't. So I am going to attempt to give the definition of Tara Stoops.
I am...
a guarded, complex, naive, confused, easily wounded individual who loves quickly and passionately regardless of what I might say. I don't know how to do anything with half of my heart. I will sacrifice anything and everything for you, but resent you later for not acknowledging what I have given up. I am quirky in my daily routines, and my thoughts are sometimes morbid and far out. I am attracted to broken people like a moth to a flame. I have a strong desire to listen to their every word and then fix them. I love the smell of clean laundry. When I go for jogs I actually think about how I can improve my many flaws the entire time I'm running. Can't shut my mind off when I jog or when I lay my head on my pillow at night. My biggest fear in life is ending up in a nursing home alone in a wheel chair with nothing but my thoughts and memories to haunt me until death...(I said morbid thoughts). People that make me laugh are the ones that have witty sarcasm or the ones that say what everyone else is thinking. I cry when I think about my Nana and when I feel rejected. The rest of the time I have ice water in my veins. That about sums me up...Black and White.
I have days that I get out of bed and feel like life is so complex and ever changing that it's impossible for us to wrap our small minds around it. There are other days that I wake up and face the day thinking life is so black and white and there are just too many people trying to complicate it for us. So what is it???
I guess I need to define who I am before I can tackle the bigger issues. When one defines thyself, they don't tell where they are from or what they do, but they tell who they are. It's not as easy as it may sound, but it's very black and white. You either are or you aren't. So I am going to attempt to give the definition of Tara Stoops.
I am...
a guarded, complex, naive, confused, easily wounded individual who loves quickly and passionately regardless of what I might say. I don't know how to do anything with half of my heart. I will sacrifice anything and everything for you, but resent you later for not acknowledging what I have given up. I am quirky in my daily routines, and my thoughts are sometimes morbid and far out. I am attracted to broken people like a moth to a flame. I have a strong desire to listen to their every word and then fix them. I love the smell of clean laundry. When I go for jogs I actually think about how I can improve my many flaws the entire time I'm running. Can't shut my mind off when I jog or when I lay my head on my pillow at night. My biggest fear in life is ending up in a nursing home alone in a wheel chair with nothing but my thoughts and memories to haunt me until death...(I said morbid thoughts). People that make me laugh are the ones that have witty sarcasm or the ones that say what everyone else is thinking. I cry when I think about my Nana and when I feel rejected. The rest of the time I have ice water in my veins. That about sums me up...Black and White.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Life Is But A Dream...
When we are young, we are taught the song 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.' For some odd reason that song has never held more meaning to me then it did this past year. How true and wise this little diddy is. Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream.
Life is so short and so delicate. We mustn't row hard or off rhythm. We must stay the course down stream. So often we try and row up stream to retrieve something or someone we may have left behind. In my experience, let the past stay in the past. If you left it behind, it didn't belong in your boat to begin with. It will only weigh you down not allowing you to have a gentle ride.
I have left many behind, and I have wasted my precious time trying to get back to retrieve them, only to find they were already gone or they didn't want to be in my boat to begin with. It might be a lonely float and you may have to paddle for quite sometime alone, but then one day your stream crosses with someone else and you have a travel companion. They may only float with you for a while or they may choose to stay in your boat through the rapids and the twist and turns and even a possible water fall. It is then that you know you can hand over the oar's and rest for a bit.
There have been so many times in my life that I have longed for someone else to take the oars, but I have had to paddle through the storms of life alone. Not really an accurate statement...I have never really been alone. God has always given me the strength to keep paddling. God has corrected my errors when I have made wrong turns or chose to head back up stream after someone or something. I am thankful tonight for the guidance God gives me while in my life boat. I am thankful that He always reminds me...Life is but a dream.
Life is so short and so delicate. We mustn't row hard or off rhythm. We must stay the course down stream. So often we try and row up stream to retrieve something or someone we may have left behind. In my experience, let the past stay in the past. If you left it behind, it didn't belong in your boat to begin with. It will only weigh you down not allowing you to have a gentle ride.
I have left many behind, and I have wasted my precious time trying to get back to retrieve them, only to find they were already gone or they didn't want to be in my boat to begin with. It might be a lonely float and you may have to paddle for quite sometime alone, but then one day your stream crosses with someone else and you have a travel companion. They may only float with you for a while or they may choose to stay in your boat through the rapids and the twist and turns and even a possible water fall. It is then that you know you can hand over the oar's and rest for a bit.
There have been so many times in my life that I have longed for someone else to take the oars, but I have had to paddle through the storms of life alone. Not really an accurate statement...I have never really been alone. God has always given me the strength to keep paddling. God has corrected my errors when I have made wrong turns or chose to head back up stream after someone or something. I am thankful tonight for the guidance God gives me while in my life boat. I am thankful that He always reminds me...Life is but a dream.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Resiliant Like The Palm Tree...
I recently had a pretty enlightening conversation about 'the palm tree.' It was explained to me that it is probably better to be like the palm tree instead of the oak tree. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I read it online and I suddenly had more meaning to back my fascination with the palm tree.
"Palm trees symbolize a type of strength and resilience. Think about how palm trees respond to a storm. Their pliable trunks and strength help them to weather hurricane-force winds. Resilience during tough times is about being flexible like a palm tree rather than unbending like an oak. Accepting rather than breaking.
People who flex and bend with life's twists and challenges are healthier and less stressed than those who stand relentlessly steadfast and unwavering.
Hardiness and resilience, the ability to stand up to adversity and bounce back from defeats, is a lesson we can learn from palm trees. Like a palm tree grows stronger over time, we can too. It just takes practice. Know that you have the strength necessary to face any calamity. Get on with your life without looking back."
After reading that I felt renewed and connected to the palm. I had always viewed the palm as swaying in the breeze, not deeply rooted, kind of a happy-go-lucky representation of a life on the beach. I was proud to be in love with the palm, but now I am just amazed at the life of a palm. I too love to stay close to the water, sway in the breeze as if I were dancing to the tune of life. I pray that I have the same courage to bow to the storms in my life and then stand up straight after after and when they pass. because we all know that they always pass.
"Palm trees symbolize a type of strength and resilience. Think about how palm trees respond to a storm. Their pliable trunks and strength help them to weather hurricane-force winds. Resilience during tough times is about being flexible like a palm tree rather than unbending like an oak. Accepting rather than breaking.
People who flex and bend with life's twists and challenges are healthier and less stressed than those who stand relentlessly steadfast and unwavering.
Hardiness and resilience, the ability to stand up to adversity and bounce back from defeats, is a lesson we can learn from palm trees. Like a palm tree grows stronger over time, we can too. It just takes practice. Know that you have the strength necessary to face any calamity. Get on with your life without looking back."
After reading that I felt renewed and connected to the palm. I had always viewed the palm as swaying in the breeze, not deeply rooted, kind of a happy-go-lucky representation of a life on the beach. I was proud to be in love with the palm, but now I am just amazed at the life of a palm. I too love to stay close to the water, sway in the breeze as if I were dancing to the tune of life. I pray that I have the same courage to bow to the storms in my life and then stand up straight after after and when they pass. because we all know that they always pass.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Lucky??
I recently went home for a quick vacation. Vacation??? Hmmm...according to Webster a vacation is respite or a time of respite from something. Maybe home is not the place for that. I returned home to find the school I attended, the gym I played basketball in, the halls I roamed had been flattened. All that was left behind was a vision in my mind of what once stood on the vacant lot. I can't even begin to explain how empty of a feeling that gave me.
The older I get, the more I understand that pretend is not just something children do. People pretend to be happy, they pretend to know what they are doing, they pretend to love, and they pretend to feel. I have never been great at pretending. I have always had an amazing imagination, but when it comes to how I feel, I tend to be very transparent. It's human nature to think everyone else thinks like us, therefore; I have found it very disheartening in my life to trust and believe what is told to me only to find that someone is "pretending."
This is not a depressing blog though. This is my "Lucky" blog. I feel thankful to have had so many people teach me such hard lessons. I'm still learning and I suppose I will continue to learn until I take my last breath. Lucky?? Yes I am. I used to think I was unlucky, especially in love. I have let good ones get a way, stayed too long with the bad ones, and more recently tried to pursue the wrong ones. I'm lucky that God refuses to let me settle. He knows if it was up to me, I would have already done it several times.
One morning I went to breakfast with my dad at our local diner which is the second place you go to see everyone in town, Wal-Mart being the first. As I was about to leave, I passed a table where an ex-boyfriends dad was sitting. In my mind I thought "well...this should be interesting." I think it took him maybe 30 seconds to ask if I was married and then give me the hmmm...I'm not surprised look. I started to feel bad and then stopped myself. Why should I feel bad? I have dodged so many bullets, his son being one of them. I should be a super hero!!
I'm lucky!!! I had the courage to leave a town, family, friends, and an environment that was comfortable to me. It was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, but the lessons I have learned have been invaluable. Lessons that very few have had the privilege to learn. God has always been very clear with me in regards to doors. He either shoves me thru them or he slams them so hard in my face I often think I may need a nose job. I constantly meet people that have no true life experiences. I used to feel bad that I had such a wondering spirit, but I no longer feel the need to make apologies.
My life is rich and exotic. I'm not afraid to take a chance on a job, an idea, or a person. I have friends that run billion dollar companies and friends that clean the bathrooms in those companies. I can look beyond the man and see the potential. I find it hard to relate to many especially in a romantic way because I don't have time for fear. I know how to smile when I hurt and I know how to fight when it's worth it. I also know how to walk away when it's over. Lucky?? More like thankful.
The older I get, the more I understand that pretend is not just something children do. People pretend to be happy, they pretend to know what they are doing, they pretend to love, and they pretend to feel. I have never been great at pretending. I have always had an amazing imagination, but when it comes to how I feel, I tend to be very transparent. It's human nature to think everyone else thinks like us, therefore; I have found it very disheartening in my life to trust and believe what is told to me only to find that someone is "pretending."
This is not a depressing blog though. This is my "Lucky" blog. I feel thankful to have had so many people teach me such hard lessons. I'm still learning and I suppose I will continue to learn until I take my last breath. Lucky?? Yes I am. I used to think I was unlucky, especially in love. I have let good ones get a way, stayed too long with the bad ones, and more recently tried to pursue the wrong ones. I'm lucky that God refuses to let me settle. He knows if it was up to me, I would have already done it several times.
One morning I went to breakfast with my dad at our local diner which is the second place you go to see everyone in town, Wal-Mart being the first. As I was about to leave, I passed a table where an ex-boyfriends dad was sitting. In my mind I thought "well...this should be interesting." I think it took him maybe 30 seconds to ask if I was married and then give me the hmmm...I'm not surprised look. I started to feel bad and then stopped myself. Why should I feel bad? I have dodged so many bullets, his son being one of them. I should be a super hero!!
I'm lucky!!! I had the courage to leave a town, family, friends, and an environment that was comfortable to me. It was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, but the lessons I have learned have been invaluable. Lessons that very few have had the privilege to learn. God has always been very clear with me in regards to doors. He either shoves me thru them or he slams them so hard in my face I often think I may need a nose job. I constantly meet people that have no true life experiences. I used to feel bad that I had such a wondering spirit, but I no longer feel the need to make apologies.
My life is rich and exotic. I'm not afraid to take a chance on a job, an idea, or a person. I have friends that run billion dollar companies and friends that clean the bathrooms in those companies. I can look beyond the man and see the potential. I find it hard to relate to many especially in a romantic way because I don't have time for fear. I know how to smile when I hurt and I know how to fight when it's worth it. I also know how to walk away when it's over. Lucky?? More like thankful.
Monday, July 12, 2010
You Choose The Way You Ride...
No one has ever accused me of NOT being impulsive. This irrational behavior has brought me pain as well as happiness. I would have to categorize it under my flaw colum though. I tend to pay for my choices that are made while under the impulse spell. Maybe I am completely mis-interpreting this scripture, but I found Ecclesiastes 11:9 to be a fresh idea. Imagine that, a book that's hundreds of years old holding fresh ideas.
"Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things."
Okay, is this a trick? I hear that song in my head right now,"You can have whatever you like..." There are always consequences. We learned that from the time we were small. For every action there's a reaction. I think there is more to this scripture though. I believe God is telling us to not live in fear. Who actually listens to their heart? I believe it's human nature to listen to our heads. We analyze the situation in our minds, categorize it and tie a pretty bow around it.
We so often hold ourselves back from LIFE and the power of living. I can't believe that the only reason we were created and placed on this earth was for Glory Land. It's the final chapter, but there is so much to do before we get there. So much to feel and see. God says follow the impulses of our hearts and the desires of our eyes. If we play by the rules, there are no stipulations on the joy we can experience in this moment. I don't think he reminds us that we will be judged to ruin our good time, I think he just wants us to do everything while honoring the commandments.
Ecclesiastes 11:10
So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting.
You only get one ride. You get to determine where you go, how fast you go, whether or not you want to wear a helmet, and who you want to ride with. As for me...I'm riding fast, no helmet, and with my eyes wide open. I don't want to miss anymore than I already have.
"Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things."
Okay, is this a trick? I hear that song in my head right now,"You can have whatever you like..." There are always consequences. We learned that from the time we were small. For every action there's a reaction. I think there is more to this scripture though. I believe God is telling us to not live in fear. Who actually listens to their heart? I believe it's human nature to listen to our heads. We analyze the situation in our minds, categorize it and tie a pretty bow around it.
We so often hold ourselves back from LIFE and the power of living. I can't believe that the only reason we were created and placed on this earth was for Glory Land. It's the final chapter, but there is so much to do before we get there. So much to feel and see. God says follow the impulses of our hearts and the desires of our eyes. If we play by the rules, there are no stipulations on the joy we can experience in this moment. I don't think he reminds us that we will be judged to ruin our good time, I think he just wants us to do everything while honoring the commandments.
Ecclesiastes 11:10
So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting.
You only get one ride. You get to determine where you go, how fast you go, whether or not you want to wear a helmet, and who you want to ride with. As for me...I'm riding fast, no helmet, and with my eyes wide open. I don't want to miss anymore than I already have.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
And He Loved Her...
Every Christmas I truck it back home and spend time with my family. We always spend Christmas day with my mothers side. The side from which we were abundantly blessed with preachers. My father, grandfather, uncle etc... My uncle always finds it necessary that we discuss my personal life and where I am at with it. I try to avoid it, but It's his lot in life to make sure I'm married off.
Last Christmas he didn't prod at me as much as he has in the past due to the recent passing of my grandmother. The only thing he said to me was..."He's on route." My response was ..."who?" He said "the chosen one." Yes, I understand that my family is a strange group. I lived it. He went on to make reference to the story of Isaac and Rebekah. It wasn't until today that I actually read the story.
In my experience with people coming and going in my life, I have never known of anyone to trust God like Isaac and Rebekah did. I know that this was a long time ago when men were trading livestock for women so I understand the insignificance of a relationship in this story. As I read it though, I was a bit encouraged. A servant (very trusted) was sent to retrieve a mate for Isaac. This all had to follow a plan so there could be no foul ups. If he chose the wrong woman, a mans life would not go accordingly. No pressure chief servant.
Off he goes with his heavy burden not to SCREW UP! He lays it all at the feet of God and before he is even done praying, God has delivered. There's Rebekah standing before him at the well. Everything goes accordingly, but for me the real shock and ahhh here is the fact that Rebekah had never met this man and she was willing to go because she trusted God. Isaac was waiting patiently back on the home front with the same trust.
This is where it all gets good.
Genesis 24:63-64
He (meaning Isaac) went out to the field one evening to meditate and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac...
In my mind I want to know what went through their minds. Were they scared, nervous, feeling insecure and inadequate? Was there disappointment???
Genesis 24:67
Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mothers death.
I can really appreciate how simple that story ends..."and he loved her." The question is, does God still act in men and women's lives today or are we all out here wondering aimlessly with no direction looking for companionship with anyone that stumbles into our lives. How many times have we acted hastily and not waited for the one who is on route? The one who we will just love.
Last Christmas he didn't prod at me as much as he has in the past due to the recent passing of my grandmother. The only thing he said to me was..."He's on route." My response was ..."who?" He said "the chosen one." Yes, I understand that my family is a strange group. I lived it. He went on to make reference to the story of Isaac and Rebekah. It wasn't until today that I actually read the story.
In my experience with people coming and going in my life, I have never known of anyone to trust God like Isaac and Rebekah did. I know that this was a long time ago when men were trading livestock for women so I understand the insignificance of a relationship in this story. As I read it though, I was a bit encouraged. A servant (very trusted) was sent to retrieve a mate for Isaac. This all had to follow a plan so there could be no foul ups. If he chose the wrong woman, a mans life would not go accordingly. No pressure chief servant.
Off he goes with his heavy burden not to SCREW UP! He lays it all at the feet of God and before he is even done praying, God has delivered. There's Rebekah standing before him at the well. Everything goes accordingly, but for me the real shock and ahhh here is the fact that Rebekah had never met this man and she was willing to go because she trusted God. Isaac was waiting patiently back on the home front with the same trust.
This is where it all gets good.
Genesis 24:63-64
He (meaning Isaac) went out to the field one evening to meditate and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac...
In my mind I want to know what went through their minds. Were they scared, nervous, feeling insecure and inadequate? Was there disappointment???
Genesis 24:67
Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mothers death.
I can really appreciate how simple that story ends..."and he loved her." The question is, does God still act in men and women's lives today or are we all out here wondering aimlessly with no direction looking for companionship with anyone that stumbles into our lives. How many times have we acted hastily and not waited for the one who is on route? The one who we will just love.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Just Because Im Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost...
I have attempted to blog like 15 times. I am never fully satisfied with the finished product so here goes.
I love Cold Play songs because if you really listen to them they usually hold a pretty deep meaning. I at least have always been able to relate to the words.
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
In my mind Cold Plays song 'Viva La Vida' represents regret and reflecting. Usually the two go hand in hand. This is not the song that lies heavy on my heart tonight though. Another Cold Play song has kind of turned into my battle anthem. A battle that takes place within myself, but is usually provoked by God. I know that's a strong statement and I'm sure will be taken out of context, but there is a lot of merit to it.
My anthem is Cold Plays 'Lost.'
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
I can honestly say, metaphoically speaking that every gun I've ever held went off. I hate that I am afraid to pick another one up. The only one I have to blame for the blast is myself. Im the only consistency. I feel like I live each day, waiting for it to fall apart. This is no kind of life. I wait for it to explode and then i wait for the after shock to wear off. How does one walk away from this pattern? I'm tired of the valleys, tired of reaching. When will I stand on the mountain tops and shout? When will my heart truely beat again?
Fears of inadquacy= brought on by circumstances and people that come and go in my life.
Fears of the Unknown= Will I always be alone? Will I die alone?
Fears of demons from my past= I never deserve to be forgiven.
Psalm 32:1-2
How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man who God does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit!
Oh to be that blessed man of God...
I love Cold Play songs because if you really listen to them they usually hold a pretty deep meaning. I at least have always been able to relate to the words.
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
In my mind Cold Plays song 'Viva La Vida' represents regret and reflecting. Usually the two go hand in hand. This is not the song that lies heavy on my heart tonight though. Another Cold Play song has kind of turned into my battle anthem. A battle that takes place within myself, but is usually provoked by God. I know that's a strong statement and I'm sure will be taken out of context, but there is a lot of merit to it.
My anthem is Cold Plays 'Lost.'
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
I can honestly say, metaphoically speaking that every gun I've ever held went off. I hate that I am afraid to pick another one up. The only one I have to blame for the blast is myself. Im the only consistency. I feel like I live each day, waiting for it to fall apart. This is no kind of life. I wait for it to explode and then i wait for the after shock to wear off. How does one walk away from this pattern? I'm tired of the valleys, tired of reaching. When will I stand on the mountain tops and shout? When will my heart truely beat again?
Fears of inadquacy= brought on by circumstances and people that come and go in my life.
Fears of the Unknown= Will I always be alone? Will I die alone?
Fears of demons from my past= I never deserve to be forgiven.
Psalm 32:1-2
How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man who God does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit!
Oh to be that blessed man of God...
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