Better As A Memory...

Getting older is both bitter and sweet. Recently I have been learning life lessons. I'm sure they were always there for the taking, but just now at this point in my life do they apply or even make sense. It's a bitter feeling to know that everyday is one day closer to death, but so sweet to be able to look in the mirror and start to recognize the person looking back at you.

Sometimes I think the memory of a situation is so much better then the way it actually was. History often repeats itself, but relationships were not meant to. The phrase..."that ship's sailed" comes to mind. I have accepted that I am probably better as a memory as well.

You hear the phrase, "Live, Laugh, Love." I have decided to go a little more detailed with it, and make a few changes...Laugh like a child, Love like it's your first, and Pray like a sinner. I love to hear kids giggle and laugh uncontrollably. You will never be as trusting and true then as you were with your first love. To pray like a sinner, is holding nothing back from God. I often hear people pray and they sound so rehearsed and flowery. A true sinner hits the ground on their knees, and does not try to pull one over on God, but recognizes that they will sin again before the sun sets.

"I never stay, but then again I might..."

Think Of Me What You Will, I've Got A Little Space To Fill...

We have all heard and probably practiced the phrase 'wanting what we cannot have' or 'wanting to do wrong because it feels so right.' A hard thing to program yourself to do is learn to love what's best for you. It's human nature to be drawn to the bad boys of life and I mean that comparatively although, I truly usually am. Scratch that...I'm usually drawn to the mentally insane boys. I think "boys" is the key word there.

This is about a broader range of life issues though, but relationships do manipulate this subject for me. The question is, how does one control this? How do I love what's good for me? The only solution I have come up with is this...You must be appreciative of the good. The only way to get to this point unfortunately is to be all too familiar with the bad. When you reach "the end of your rope," you DON'T tie a knot and hang on, you cut that rotten rope loose and move on. You then learn to recognize good things, good energy, good days, and good nights.

There are three kinds of relationships we can form with one another. 1.) Needful relationships, meaning those that we need in our life like family, co-workers, neighbors etc... 2.) Healthy relationships, such as friends, significant others, and pets. 3.) Toxic relationships, which as far as I'm concerned would be right up there with the Grim Reaper. These relationships rob us of LIFE. They are dark and empty and that's exactly how they leave us feeling. We have to learn to amputate them from our lives. This is very hard to do because it takes age and experience to see them coming.

These are all just meaningless thoughts and I was inspired by this thought by Tom Petty today. ha ha No, I was not rolling joints, but the song is right on the money. "You don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels...to be me." It's time we become mentally healthy individuals...by we I mean me. "People come, people go, some grow young, some grow old." I agree with Tom, time to grow young.

Someday...

I am having one of those nostalgic days where I wish I were about 7 years old walking in the field with my grandpa (a.k.a Poppy) early in the morning going to get the cows and bring them in. Why can't we understand in that moment, that it's the only moment? There will not be others.

"Moonlight" Graham said it best in Field of Dreams... "You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day."

I can still smell the hay and the dewy grass. I can hear the cows off in the distance and I can see my grandfather walking upright and strong, carrying a big walking stick in all of his glory. We spot the cattle and Poppy gives Crystal (my grandfathers trusty border collie)the order to herd em' up. Off she goes with all of her might. So anxious to please her master. She barks and chases with no fear of these creatures that are so much bigger than her. When she has finished, she returns to my grandfather with a the look of loyalty, searching for some sign of approval.

Onward, back to the house. As we get closer we can make out a figure standing at the fence patiently awaiting our return. What did she ponder in those moments as she would often wait for my grandfather to return? If I had to guess, I would say she prayed. Probably for her family and friends. She probably asked God for forgiveness for things we would consider to be petty. I believe on the days her grandchildren were visiting, she anticipated all of the precious time she would get to spend with us and wished whole heartily that we all lived closer.

Today I ponder her memory and I whole heartily wish she lived closer.

I just have not been able to write a blog this month that didn't refer to her, because she has been on my heart even more than usual. Please God, never let me forget the sound of her voice.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

October's Memory...

This time last year, I was spending everyday waiting for the dreaded call from my mother telling me my Nana had passed on. The strange thing was, I had accepted that she was going to leave, but nothing had ever prepared me for the life change that would take place when she did. From the moment I knew in my heart how sick she truly was to the phone ringing early morning on October 28th, it was like a very bad, hazy dream. Now when I recall everything that took place only a year ago, it's like recollecting a nightmare. I guess I will go the rest of my life wishing to wake up.

I know people lose grandparents everyday and they easily move on with their lives because it's a part of life, but my Nana was not just a part of life, she was larger than life. She taught me so much and I didn't even know how much I had learned from her until she was gone. The thing is, I feel like I hadn't learned all I was supposed to from her. I often find myself thinking 'I can't wait to show her this' or 'I have to call her and tell her all about this.' I then remind myself that she is gone and she is never coming back.

We did some of the craziest things together. She once bought us tickets for a Clay Walker concert at the fair and then asked a man who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin if we could sit with him. Did Stone Cold even know that he was sitting with one of the most spectacular individuals God ever created? My grandmother would never let me pay for anything. She would always say..."Just get me a coke later." Nana, how many cokes do I still owe you? She knew how to laugh at herself when she did something silly and I pray I am able to mimic that in my life.

I am moving on in my life because that's what she would've wanted me to do, but I have yet to have a day where she didn't cross my mind, and I have yet to have a week where I didn't weep for her. The last time I saw her living, was in the hospital and I spent an evening with her. It was just the two of us, like old times when we would watch the Twilight Zone marathon every New Years Eve. I sat by her bed, held her hand and sang softly to her. Even in her pain she would occasionally rub my hand to comfort me. It's so strange how I will probably never forget what her hands looked like.

My Nana loved fall more than any other season, so it was fitting that she left us on a beautiful fall day with the leaves as vibrant and colorful as the life she lived while on this earth.

Two Things I Know To Be True...

I have recently taken on a brand new view on life. It's been a process and I pray I'm finally getting it right. I went from being someone that lived each day like I would live a thousand years to realizing that everyday could be my last. Losing my Nana almost a year ago this month put this life change in motion. I would give anything for even a minute more with her, but that's not my reality. Up until recently everything in my life was SO important. My success, my home, my friends, my family, my reputation etc... Then I began to understand some things about myself. I came up with two truths that I will forever live by.

Truth #1 Set Attainable Goals For Yourself.

There is nothing wrong with ambition, but to be honest...I have met very few TRULY HAPPY ambitious people. In our society we measure a man by bank account, job status, spouse, children, home, and physical appearance. Who can be truly happy trying to live up to these unattainable goals? When you grow up in the church, you hear the phrase 'be like Christ' very often. He was perfect!! Don't think it gets anymore unattainable. Perfection is not humanly possible folks. We can't even get through a day without screwing something up.

I believe the church has misinterpreted scripture...imagine that. I think we are supposed to LOVE like Christ, show compassion like Christ, and most of all "learn" to forgive like him. Forgiveness is not always attainable, at least not immediately. It can happen over time though. To be just like Christ is not possible. I have accepted that and I will set more attainable goals for myself that I can accomplish. No one feels good when they fail at LIFE.

Truth #2 Actually Love Yourself.

I'm not new age or anything, but there is a lot to be said for a bath with candles and soothing music. It doesn't stop there though, everything that relaxes, calms you, and makes you happy should be done daily. We don't have to wait for the weekend or a spouse to run us a bath or a special occasion to wear our fancy unmentionables. We should always love and honor ourselves. We can't expect others to like us let alone love us if we are not practicing this daily.

When I first got Maggie B. my trusty little side kick of about 5 years now, I had her groomed regularly, bathed, wormed, daily trips to the dog park, walks etc... I still pamper my girl, but at that time in my life, I was taking better care of her than myself. I loved her and still do, but I needed to start loving myself. I needed to treat myself well. We spend our young adult lives working, working, working so that we may one day relax when we are older and can't even enjoy the time off due to regular trips to doctors and pharmacy's. What is wrong with us? Who started this??

Being a history major, I believe this is something that is fairly recent. Yes, people have always worked, but at one time the work one did was more therapeutic. People actually tend gardens, do wood working, and cook as a stress release now. These were original trades with the early settlers. These people had an abundance of endorphins flowing through them because they were active and their daily goals were very attainable. Today we abuse ourselves. We don't take care of ourselves and our mental stability.

I am starting to love myself and to be honest, it's been great!! I know that I need to run at least 5 days a week and I know I need to drink a cup a coffee on my back patio on a regular basis and I know that I need to visit the beach at least once a week because that's why I moved down here by golly and I'm gonna enjoy it.

I leave you with this thought...There's nothing wrong with wasting time. It's really no waste at all when you are enjoying the gift of life.

Otis said it best..."I can't do what ten people tell me to, so I guess I'll remain the same..."