Daughter Of A Preacher Man...

You know what they say about those preachers daughters right??? Well...I guess we tend to 'toe the line' a little more than your average girl, but I think the label we receive is a little harsh. Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I have been thinking a lot lately about how preachers kids view Christianity as opposed to someone who is new to the scene or was just raised in a Christian home. I don't think people really understand what it's like for the children of the 'Preacher Man.'

I do want to start off by saying that I was not raised in a stereotypical preachers home. My brother and I were not made to be 'freaks' at school in regards to our appearence or lack of social skills. We were preachers kids not home schooled. We played sports, went to dances, and had normal friends. Growing up a preachers kid, also taught us some valuable life skills. You learn to talk to everyone. My brother and I both are very good at engaging in conversations with just about anyone. We were also exposed to death at a very young age. My dad usually did the funerals so there we set front and center. I believe we were actually numb to the entire scene. We used to play in the coffee rooms of the funeral parlors seeing who could drink the most coffee.

The negatives of being a preachers kid actually come along later in life. You have been doing the dance for so long you begin to question what you really believe in. I grew up being made to do everything. I was made to sing or made to play a role in the Christmas play, made to wear a dress when I really wanted to dress like a hobo, made to sit up straight in the pew, made to wake up during communion when I fell asleep. You begin to resent the whole idea.

The older you get, you start to see your parents for who they are and their flaws become a hindrence in your growth as a believer. Again... this is not an attack on my parents. This is just a point of view as to why preachers kids stumble in their walk. When you as a preachers kid watch everyone attempt to model their families after yours and you know what goes on in your house, it kind of becomes humorous. You begin to feel like your entire family deserves an Academy Award.

Lets fast forward to adulthood. This is where it gets complicated. You have gone through the motions for so long, you're not sure you even know how to approach God Himself without your preachers family front on. Your sins have always been in secret because if anyone in the church would've found out, they may have decided to leave the church. You can probably name every book in the new and old testaments probably with a song, but you have never truely been touched by the words that are in them.

I love the Lord and I am just now trying to grasp the concept of 'unconditional love.' Preachers kids may be considered wild and 'toeing the line' but I can promise you one thing that's for sure... there is NO ONE harder on themselves when it comes to sin then them. We grow up hearing about an angry God that will throw us into the fire. We fear the book of Revelation like no one else and we are in a constant struggle to try and feel the presence of God in our lives. I believe we are the tormented ones. I know that God will take me "Just As I Am," but I have not yet learned to accept myself "Just As I Am."

Not Myself...

Do you ever just feel like you're not yourself? Do you ever feel like that for a few years? On occasion I get a glimpse of "myself" but it usually fades away like a vapor. Maybe this is who I am and the version I long to be was not really me... I don't know, but I do know that this feeling has to pass. I recently watched 'Runaway Bride' with Julia Roberts and I in many ways could relate. I don't let it get as far as running from the altar, but I do tend to take off rather easily.

I'm not just referring to romantic relationships, I will hold myself back from a lot of things and people. Sometimes I am very right and I usually feel it in my gut. Recently I chose to ignore the "gut sickness" and it left me a little damaged. I hate wasted time!! Unlike Maggie Carpenter in "Runaway Bride," I do know how I like my eggs. I just don't know how I like my men, hair, house decor, and personal style.

I have noticed that I will look past some pretty serious flaws in a man, when my hair is curly I want it straight, sometimes I want my house beachy and other times I want it classic, and in regards to my personal style...that may just be a matter of cost. When I read this back to myself I am annoyed at how wishy washy I sound. Do people view me as a 'sway in the breeze' kind of girl? I have no problem with being a free spirit, but shouldn't I feel like "myself" by now? Am I the only person that questions these things or are there many who just refuse to define themselves.

I just feel like I am constantly meeting people who have no earthly idea who they are. Somewhere along the way, they have managed to confuse me. It might just be Florida, everyone I meet here is lost. They are either searching for "something" not really knowing what that "something" is or they are looking for someone to make pay for all the bad things that have happened to them in their past. (FYI I am very attracted to these sorts of characters...I love to take a beating for what someone else did.) Here I go again...

Back on track... I hate not feeling like myself and I hate that I have allowed people to rob me of my joy. I have no one to blame for that, but myself.

I recently started praying without ceasing for my strongest desire and when I say recently, I mean as of last night. I feel very repetitive already, but I believe God wants me to break a sweat over this. I fully intend to feel like myself again!

I Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.

Tupelo Honey

The last guy I was in a serious relationship with introduced me to the song 'Tupelo Honey' by Van Morrison. It's the sweetest memory I have of any guy I have ever dated. Maybe it was the setting, the innocence of the song, or just the fact that he was letting me know that this song made him think of me.

I became curious tonight about Tupelo Honey and now I must try some after reading about it. The interesting thing is, Tupelo Honey is actually found or "hived" if that's even a word, here in Florida.

"Pure Tupelo honey is produced from the White Ogeechee Tupelo (nyssa ogeche), it ranges through the Ogeechee River, the Apalachicola, and the Chattahoochee River Basins of northwest Florida. These river valleys are the only place in the world where Tupelo Honey is produced commercially. Bee hives are placed along the river's edge. The bees fan out through the surrounding Tupelo blossom rich swamps during April and May and return with nectar to produce their liquid treasure." (4tupelohoney.tripod.com)

The irony here for me is the fact that I dated him when I was still living back in Ohio. I ended up moving to the very state that this sweet lava is found in. I guess maybe he knew me better than I gave him credit for. I believe that he knew I needed to "leave the hive" and find my own kind of sweet life. I will forever remember him playing me this song and saying that it reminded him of me. I often wonder if when he hears that song it still holds as true to him. I hope so, it's always nice to think that you in some way left an impression on someones heart.

Recently I have felt a little bit cynical, and tonight I hope in my heart that I can get back the sweetness that I once possessed. To be as sweet as Tupelo Honey...

Black and White...

Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but craziness. Am I honestly still trying to "find myself?" This past year has been pretty crazy for me. I changed jobs, started dating again after a four year hiatus, and I said goodbye to my Nana, which was life changing in itself. All of this has left me questioning everything about myself. Oh yeah...did I mention I turned 30?

I have days that I get out of bed and feel like life is so complex and ever changing that it's impossible for us to wrap our small minds around it. There are other days that I wake up and face the day thinking life is so black and white and there are just too many people trying to complicate it for us. So what is it???

I guess I need to define who I am before I can tackle the bigger issues. When one defines thyself, they don't tell where they are from or what they do, but they tell who they are. It's not as easy as it may sound, but it's very black and white. You either are or you aren't. So I am going to attempt to give the definition of Tara Stoops.

I am...
a guarded, complex, naive, confused, easily wounded individual who loves quickly and passionately regardless of what I might say. I don't know how to do anything with half of my heart. I will sacrifice anything and everything for you, but resent you later for not acknowledging what I have given up. I am quirky in my daily routines, and my thoughts are sometimes morbid and far out. I am attracted to broken people like a moth to a flame. I have a strong desire to listen to their every word and then fix them. I love the smell of clean laundry. When I go for jogs I actually think about how I can improve my many flaws the entire time I'm running. Can't shut my mind off when I jog or when I lay my head on my pillow at night. My biggest fear in life is ending up in a nursing home alone in a wheel chair with nothing but my thoughts and memories to haunt me until death...(I said morbid thoughts). People that make me laugh are the ones that have witty sarcasm or the ones that say what everyone else is thinking. I cry when I think about my Nana and when I feel rejected. The rest of the time I have ice water in my veins. That about sums me up...Black and White.

Life Is But A Dream...

When we are young, we are taught the song 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.' For some odd reason that song has never held more meaning to me then it did this past year. How true and wise this little diddy is. Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream.

Life is so short and so delicate. We mustn't row hard or off rhythm. We must stay the course down stream. So often we try and row up stream to retrieve something or someone we may have left behind. In my experience, let the past stay in the past. If you left it behind, it didn't belong in your boat to begin with. It will only weigh you down not allowing you to have a gentle ride.

I have left many behind, and I have wasted my precious time trying to get back to retrieve them, only to find they were already gone or they didn't want to be in my boat to begin with. It might be a lonely float and you may have to paddle for quite sometime alone, but then one day your stream crosses with someone else and you have a travel companion. They may only float with you for a while or they may choose to stay in your boat through the rapids and the twist and turns and even a possible water fall. It is then that you know you can hand over the oar's and rest for a bit.

There have been so many times in my life that I have longed for someone else to take the oars, but I have had to paddle through the storms of life alone. Not really an accurate statement...I have never really been alone. God has always given me the strength to keep paddling. God has corrected my errors when I have made wrong turns or chose to head back up stream after someone or something. I am thankful tonight for the guidance God gives me while in my life boat. I am thankful that He always reminds me...Life is but a dream.

Resiliant Like The Palm Tree...

I recently had a pretty enlightening conversation about 'the palm tree.' It was explained to me that it is probably better to be like the palm tree instead of the oak tree. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I read it online and I suddenly had more meaning to back my fascination with the palm tree.

"Palm trees symbolize a type of strength and resilience. Think about how palm trees respond to a storm. Their pliable trunks and strength help them to weather hurricane-force winds. Resilience during tough times is about being flexible like a palm tree rather than unbending like an oak. Accepting rather than breaking.
People who flex and bend with life's twists and challenges are healthier and less stressed than those who stand relentlessly steadfast and unwavering.

Hardiness and resilience, the ability to stand up to adversity and bounce back from defeats, is a lesson we can learn from palm trees. Like a palm tree grows stronger over time, we can too. It just takes practice. Know that you have the strength necessary to face any calamity. Get on with your life without looking back."

After reading that I felt renewed and connected to the palm. I had always viewed the palm as swaying in the breeze, not deeply rooted, kind of a happy-go-lucky representation of a life on the beach. I was proud to be in love with the palm, but now I am just amazed at the life of a palm. I too love to stay close to the water, sway in the breeze as if I were dancing to the tune of life. I pray that I have the same courage to bow to the storms in my life and then stand up straight after after and when they pass. because we all know that they always pass.

Lucky??

I recently went home for a quick vacation. Vacation??? Hmmm...according to Webster a vacation is respite or a time of respite from something. Maybe home is not the place for that. I returned home to find the school I attended, the gym I played basketball in, the halls I roamed had been flattened. All that was left behind was a vision in my mind of what once stood on the vacant lot. I can't even begin to explain how empty of a feeling that gave me.

The older I get, the more I understand that pretend is not just something children do. People pretend to be happy, they pretend to know what they are doing, they pretend to love, and they pretend to feel. I have never been great at pretending. I have always had an amazing imagination, but when it comes to how I feel, I tend to be very transparent. It's human nature to think everyone else thinks like us, therefore; I have found it very disheartening in my life to trust and believe what is told to me only to find that someone is "pretending."

This is not a depressing blog though. This is my "Lucky" blog. I feel thankful to have had so many people teach me such hard lessons. I'm still learning and I suppose I will continue to learn until I take my last breath. Lucky?? Yes I am. I used to think I was unlucky, especially in love. I have let good ones get a way, stayed too long with the bad ones, and more recently tried to pursue the wrong ones. I'm lucky that God refuses to let me settle. He knows if it was up to me, I would have already done it several times.

One morning I went to breakfast with my dad at our local diner which is the second place you go to see everyone in town, Wal-Mart being the first. As I was about to leave, I passed a table where an ex-boyfriends dad was sitting. In my mind I thought "well...this should be interesting." I think it took him maybe 30 seconds to ask if I was married and then give me the hmmm...I'm not surprised look. I started to feel bad and then stopped myself. Why should I feel bad? I have dodged so many bullets, his son being one of them. I should be a super hero!!

I'm lucky!!! I had the courage to leave a town, family, friends, and an environment that was comfortable to me. It was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, but the lessons I have learned have been invaluable. Lessons that very few have had the privilege to learn. God has always been very clear with me in regards to doors. He either shoves me thru them or he slams them so hard in my face I often think I may need a nose job. I constantly meet people that have no true life experiences. I used to feel bad that I had such a wondering spirit, but I no longer feel the need to make apologies.

My life is rich and exotic. I'm not afraid to take a chance on a job, an idea, or a person. I have friends that run billion dollar companies and friends that clean the bathrooms in those companies. I can look beyond the man and see the potential. I find it hard to relate to many especially in a romantic way because I don't have time for fear. I know how to smile when I hurt and I know how to fight when it's worth it. I also know how to walk away when it's over. Lucky?? More like thankful.