Just Because Im Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost...

I have attempted to blog like 15 times. I am never fully satisfied with the finished product so here goes.

I love Cold Play songs because if you really listen to them they usually hold a pretty deep meaning. I at least have always been able to relate to the words.

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

In my mind Cold Plays song 'Viva La Vida' represents regret and reflecting. Usually the two go hand in hand. This is not the song that lies heavy on my heart tonight though. Another Cold Play song has kind of turned into my battle anthem. A battle that takes place within myself, but is usually provoked by God. I know that's a strong statement and I'm sure will be taken out of context, but there is a lot of merit to it.

My anthem is Cold Plays 'Lost.'

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

I can honestly say, metaphoically speaking that every gun I've ever held went off. I hate that I am afraid to pick another one up. The only one I have to blame for the blast is myself. Im the only consistency. I feel like I live each day, waiting for it to fall apart. This is no kind of life. I wait for it to explode and then i wait for the after shock to wear off. How does one walk away from this pattern? I'm tired of the valleys, tired of reaching. When will I stand on the mountain tops and shout? When will my heart truely beat again?


Fears of inadquacy= brought on by circumstances and people that come and go in my life.

Fears of the Unknown= Will I always be alone? Will I die alone?

Fears of demons from my past= I never deserve to be forgiven.

Psalm 32:1-2
How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man who God does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit!

Oh to be that blessed man of God...