October's Memory...

This time last year, I was spending everyday waiting for the dreaded call from my mother telling me my Nana had passed on. The strange thing was, I had accepted that she was going to leave, but nothing had ever prepared me for the life change that would take place when she did. From the moment I knew in my heart how sick she truly was to the phone ringing early morning on October 28th, it was like a very bad, hazy dream. Now when I recall everything that took place only a year ago, it's like recollecting a nightmare. I guess I will go the rest of my life wishing to wake up.

I know people lose grandparents everyday and they easily move on with their lives because it's a part of life, but my Nana was not just a part of life, she was larger than life. She taught me so much and I didn't even know how much I had learned from her until she was gone. The thing is, I feel like I hadn't learned all I was supposed to from her. I often find myself thinking 'I can't wait to show her this' or 'I have to call her and tell her all about this.' I then remind myself that she is gone and she is never coming back.

We did some of the craziest things together. She once bought us tickets for a Clay Walker concert at the fair and then asked a man who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin if we could sit with him. Did Stone Cold even know that he was sitting with one of the most spectacular individuals God ever created? My grandmother would never let me pay for anything. She would always say..."Just get me a coke later." Nana, how many cokes do I still owe you? She knew how to laugh at herself when she did something silly and I pray I am able to mimic that in my life.

I am moving on in my life because that's what she would've wanted me to do, but I have yet to have a day where she didn't cross my mind, and I have yet to have a week where I didn't weep for her. The last time I saw her living, was in the hospital and I spent an evening with her. It was just the two of us, like old times when we would watch the Twilight Zone marathon every New Years Eve. I sat by her bed, held her hand and sang softly to her. Even in her pain she would occasionally rub my hand to comfort me. It's so strange how I will probably never forget what her hands looked like.

My Nana loved fall more than any other season, so it was fitting that she left us on a beautiful fall day with the leaves as vibrant and colorful as the life she lived while on this earth.