Not Myself...

Do you ever just feel like you're not yourself? Do you ever feel like that for a few years? On occasion I get a glimpse of "myself" but it usually fades away like a vapor. Maybe this is who I am and the version I long to be was not really me... I don't know, but I do know that this feeling has to pass. I recently watched 'Runaway Bride' with Julia Roberts and I in many ways could relate. I don't let it get as far as running from the altar, but I do tend to take off rather easily.

I'm not just referring to romantic relationships, I will hold myself back from a lot of things and people. Sometimes I am very right and I usually feel it in my gut. Recently I chose to ignore the "gut sickness" and it left me a little damaged. I hate wasted time!! Unlike Maggie Carpenter in "Runaway Bride," I do know how I like my eggs. I just don't know how I like my men, hair, house decor, and personal style.

I have noticed that I will look past some pretty serious flaws in a man, when my hair is curly I want it straight, sometimes I want my house beachy and other times I want it classic, and in regards to my personal style...that may just be a matter of cost. When I read this back to myself I am annoyed at how wishy washy I sound. Do people view me as a 'sway in the breeze' kind of girl? I have no problem with being a free spirit, but shouldn't I feel like "myself" by now? Am I the only person that questions these things or are there many who just refuse to define themselves.

I just feel like I am constantly meeting people who have no earthly idea who they are. Somewhere along the way, they have managed to confuse me. It might just be Florida, everyone I meet here is lost. They are either searching for "something" not really knowing what that "something" is or they are looking for someone to make pay for all the bad things that have happened to them in their past. (FYI I am very attracted to these sorts of characters...I love to take a beating for what someone else did.) Here I go again...

Back on track... I hate not feeling like myself and I hate that I have allowed people to rob me of my joy. I have no one to blame for that, but myself.

I recently started praying without ceasing for my strongest desire and when I say recently, I mean as of last night. I feel very repetitive already, but I believe God wants me to break a sweat over this. I fully intend to feel like myself again!

I Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.